Bachelor Number 5 still hasn’t asked me anywhere. I still get the ‘pleasure’ of texting with him almost daily. It’s all well and good, I suppose, to have these great conversations, but like I’ve said before…it’s beginning to feel like I’m talking to a perpetual text machine and I’m losing interest in the person behind the keypad.
I enjoy our talks but it’s just never going to be a real feeling for me until I see this person face-t0-face, and really talk to him. Bachelor Number 5 is losing me, and fast. I went this whole Easter weekend without so much as checking my phone for texts. When I did see that he had texted me, I wrote back once or twice but sort of gave up when more interesting things started happening. Like watching The Ten Commandments in all of its six-hour long glory on television.
To keep myself interested and invested in this story, I’ve started polling my friends and colleagues on what they think is ‘wrong’ with Bachelor Number 5. Just why, in your opinion, do you think someone I met on a dating site has failed to actually take me on a date? The answers have ranged from expected to amusing.
I told the short version to my boss while we were standing on the elevator–I gave her the perfect elevator pitch in fact. “We met on OKCupid.com, texted for a month or more every day, and I really like his personality. He frequently marvels at who and what I am–but so far? Bupkis. What’s the deal?” She looked straight into my blue eyes, shrugged her shoulders and said “It’s a woman.”
We walked down the hall after our elevator ride and I said “You mean like a girlfriend?”
I’d definitely thought of this scenario. I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time a man with a significant other (wife or otherwise) has shown interested in me, and it certainly wouldn’t be the first time someone on a dating site contacted me despite having already filled the position of ‘girlfriend’ with another person in his life. So, perhaps Bachelor Number 5 has a girlfriend?
“No. I mean, as in, he is a she”, my boss continued on.
Oh shit. Didn’t think of that one.
I continued on texting with Bachelor Number 5, but asked another colleague/friend what she thought of the situation. I gave the same elevator pitch, trying hard not to pepper the explanation with personal pieces of information, afraid I’d taint the data. When I finished the sentence “What’s the deal?” my friend “R” looked at me, furrowed her brow, and thought for a minute.
Good, I thought. She didn’t retort directly back what a “He’s a woman!” so maybe the answer will be better.
“Speech impediment? Stutter?” she asked.
How would I know? He hasn’t ever offered to call me on the phone. Not that it would matter. Because it doesn’t. And I don’t think I’ve said anything to Bachelor Number 5 that would show that I wouldn’t be a kind, tolerant person. But then again, what have I shown him that would make him believe I would be a kind, tolerant person? If it is a speech impediment, well, he hasn’t felt comfortable enough to tell me.
This same observation was made by my friend The Brunette a few days earlier. “Some sort of physical disability”, she typed, matter-of-factly. “Something he can’t tell you about.”
Again, not that it would matter. But I can’t help but think that it’s not fair to be honest with me and try to ‘trap me’ into caring about him before I know the big secret.
What am I doing here? Resenting someone for a secret that they don’t even know they’re keeping? A disability, speech impediment, or sex change that may or may not be true?
Two other colleagues asked me how the blog was going, just this morning. And so I gave them the short story of Bachelor Number 5, though I realize they could go read the long version here on this blog.. and asked what they thought could possibly explain the mysterious behavior of Bachelor Number 5. I selectively left out my boss’s decision of “female” and our mutual friend’s assessment of ‘speech impediment’ and let them run their imaginations over the issue.
“A”, said, right away “Is he a 300 ton man who can’t leave the house?”
A deathly overweight, “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” style human? I never thought of that one. Of course, I suppose it’s possible. Still, he makes too many mentions of restaurants and public places that have opened in the last six months to really be home-bound as much as a 300 ton man would be. Maybe he’s more over weight than his picture lets on.
“K” followed up with “What about his age? Is he younger or older than what he put on his profile?”
Hmm. Good point, K. As much as I hate to admit it, she may be correct. Either younger or older. I’m not sure which would be better. Too young, and it seems creepy and illegal on my part. The Blonde does not rob the cradle. Too much older and it’s creepy on his part. And that’s a huge turn off.
I’ve noticed in this grand game of “Guess What” I’m having my friends play…nobody ever says “He’s shy.” or “Maybe you’re not his type.” The assumption always, always jumps to outlandish (?) “he’s a half-human, half-animal hybrid”. Maybe that’s part of the stigma of internet dating, still. The idea that no one is who they say they are, that fake profiles, and fake photos abound. The idea that everyone is a giant, fat person and that’s why they have to ‘resort’ to online dating. But I guess that’s another topic for another post.
It’s getting out of hand, this interoffice, interstate betting game we’re playing. Guessing what could possible be wrong with Bachelor Number 5. It’s gotten to the point where even I have grown tired. Tired of wondering, tired of texting, tired of dealing with all this. And that’s unfortunate because in the beginning I really felt like Bachelor Number 5 had a mass of potential that was unrivaled in recent memory.
So I’m just going to ask. Well, actually, I’m going to invite. I’m going to invite him to coffee this week and we’ll see what happens. He’ll either agree, and show up…agree, and bail, or decline. And then, we’ll know.