Bachelor Number 5 and My Sub-Conscience


It’s unfortunate but I am still talking to Bachelor Number 5 via text message.  Some nights (like last night) we text for three or four hours about all kinds of subjects.  Bachelor Number 5 is fabulous, actually.  I can’t begin to detail all the ways I really feel like I connect with this mysterious man behind the cellular phone.

I find myself checking my messages during the day and especially when I leave work because I just want to hear from him and it’s just so easy to have a conversation with him.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I let myself feel butterflies about a new guy.  I think about him during my day, hope to hear from him when I’m off work.  I’ve gotten a couple “good morning” text messages that made me smile until my face hurt.  The Blonde?  She’s got a bona fide crush.

I can tell that my brain has absolutely no clue how to process the feelings I’m starting to have with this mysterious character.  Since the night I began texting with Bachelor Number Five, I’ve dreamed about The Boyfriend every single time I’ve drifted off to sleep. Sometimes we are together, sometimes we aren’t.  Sometimes I am angry and sometimes I’m not.  The main difference I notice is that when I wake up from these dreams, I’m not sad or wistful like I used to be.  Sometimes I don’t recall the dream until later into my day, and it’s sort of “Hm, what a weird dream” thought. I’ve even had the dreaded sex dream about The Boyfriend and it did little more than make me scratch my head at the mystery that is the human sub-conscience.  I haven’t had the urge to email him.  It’s just..something I hope passes.

I guess my brain is just confused.  I’ve definitely had feelings for other men during my life, and admittedly even while I was still with The Boyfriend.  But to completely let myself go and it seem like a real possibility that it could be a real relationship?  That’s a new one altogether.  I hope the dreams subside soon and that my brain begins to realize it’s okay to connect with someone new.

The difficult part about Bachelor Number 5 is that we’re still just in this mysterious texting phase.  I can’t drop any more hints.  He knows where I stand and that I want to actually move on and go somewhere.  I’e even dropped hints that he’s my “new favorite person” and he replied in kind, but there is still no invitation. It makes me think that there is some sort of deal breaker lurking under the surface.  Does he have a girlfriend? It seems unlikely.  I can’t think of what else might be holding him back. Maybe he’s got a lisp or stutter.  Maybe he has a weird voice or used a fake picture. Maybe he’s shy. Maybe I’m intimidating. Maybe I’m not interesting to him. Who knows.  It’s frustrating.

The shitty part of being stuck here in the middle is that..I like talking to Bachelor Number 5.  He’s funny.  He gives me the right amount of smart ass comments versus serious conversation.  He asks great questions.  When he asks a question, he doesn’t just leave it at “oh neat”, he always has follow-up commentary or information that he wants to talk about.  It’s a real discussion, not just checking items off a “perfect girl” checklist.  We seem to have a lot in common.  The things I enjoy spending time thinking about, he frequently brings up in conversation too.  And we seem to hate the same things, which, to some extent, is really more important than liking the same stuff.

So since I like him, find him interesting and less annoying than all the other boys I’ve encountered during this brief jaunt into the online dating world, it makes me less motivated to log in to Match and OKCupid and interact with these other people who I do find so utterly annoying and uninteresting.  Why should I spend my precious free time logging onto a dating site, formulating painful emails, and awaiting responses, when I have this perfectly normal, funny, interesting person that is texting me frequently?

The answer to that is that Bachelor Number 5 is being a great friend but NOT a great dating partner.  Didn’t I just say a few weeks ago that I was FULL UP on friendship and not interested in adding another person to my list?  I’m looking for someone to really spend time with and date, not just have some good texting while I’m bored at night.  It’s not even sexting, bless his heart.  It’s just texting. All texting.  All the time.

My natural inclination is to attach to one person.  I know, you’re totally saying “WHAT A LYING BITCH, SHE CHEATED ON HER BOYFRIEND!” but what I’m trying to convey is that it’s just my nature to find someone who wants to focus on me…and focus on that boy.  I am just not good at dating.  I am a serial monogamist in some ways.  So my  natural response in this situation is to say “I LIKE HIM, SCREW THE REST OF THE DATING POOL!” but the problem is I’m decidedly not getting what I want from Bachelor Number 5.  I’m settling for good texting when what I really want is good dating.  Face to face. Sure, Bachelor Number 5 is a great partial package.  But I’m worth the whole shebang.  Texting, talking, dating.  All of it.  And yes, I realize the irony of bitching on a dating blog that  all I wanted was someone to take it slow.  Bigger mistake than praying for patience, apparently.

So as reluctant as I am to do it, it’s time for me to log back on to Match.com and write to some of the bachelors that have contacted me.  I need to go through the motions, at least, to get back on the proverbial horse.  Bring on today’s Daily Matches.

But if Bachelor Number 5 asks me out, you’d better believe I’ll be there.  With bells on.  Or at the very least, a cute pair of heels.

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