Pardon me for a minute. The Bad Blonde is coming out for a bit. Don’t worry, good, sweet Blonde will rejoin us shortly. But for today, Bad Blonde is running around inside of my head, begging to be unleashed.
I’ve been considering what all my Match.com potential Bachelors, Facebook Boy, and the original date…hell, even The Boyfriend have in common. And why they just don’t interest or excite me. And the only thing I’ve come up with is…
They just seem like really nice, sweet guys. You know the type..guys who would try to ‘set a mood’ for me. These men would probably cook me dinner a delicious dinner at their house. I would assume there would be grilling involves, probably a salad. And a bottle of wine. You know, invite me in, pour me a glass of wine, and probably make me watch them cook. And lighting–they see like the type that would set the lighting. Dim lights, light some candles all around the room. And put on Barry White. Or some other equally ‘romantic’ but altogether awkward mood music that plays softly in the background. God help me, they might even try Kenny G. I don’t know which one is worse–awkward music with deep voices that say things like “ooh baby” and “mmm yeah” frequently, or music without lyrics that just sort of makes that weird saxophone sound that should imply sex or whatever.
They’d set the mood and make sure everything was all perfect and attempt to make love to me after a long period of dating and getting to know me. They might even cry afterward. You know, that cry of “we’re close now” and “wasn’t that beautiful”.
And there is absolutely no question that they’d call me the very next day, even if I stayed the night, to let me know that their intentions are good and they are gentlemen and what not.
I realize these aren’t qualities to complain about, the thoughtfulness, the respect. Most women would kill to have a boyfriend that planned a romantic evening. And I’m not saying that I never want something thoughtful and romantic. And I want to be respected, too.
But is it so much to ask for a guy that is interested in good sex that doesn’t involve the awkward romance? I miss the random moments of fumbling your keys in the door after dinner, while you’re rabidly making out with someone. I miss grocery shopping together, but being far more interested in chasing each other up and down aisles and literally playing grab-ass. I want someone to want to do these things, and not be afraid to do them because it’s ‘not proper’ or ‘how you treat a lady’.
I want the boyfriend part too, I just don’t see it as mutually exclusive pursuits; the romance for me, doesn’t come in candles and Barry White. It comes in chasing me around the house, or give me the ‘eye’ while we’re eating dinner with friends. You know the ‘eye’ that “let’s get out of here” eye. And text messages. If we’re in a committed relationship I think it’s okay to send me some racy text messages that tell me you’re coming over..
A couple of friends have listened to my complaints of the Bachelors that I described; “they look too nice”, or “they probably only like missionary”. And they tell me I’m crazy. And sexually frustrated. But I don’t think that’s the case actually. Well, I’m probably crazy, but that’s beside the point. I don’t think these wishes are coming from a place of frustration. These are things I’ve always valued in my relationships. I can remember not having it with The Boyfriend. And I can remember the first time I felt it with The Friend.
I often am asked what I miss most about having a boyfriend, since I went from long-term committed to absolutely nothing…and I guess I just figured out that just about the only thing I miss is having my ass smacked in the grocery store.
And I sometimes get worried that I’ll never attract that type again. Because most of the men I’ve found in the wake of The Friend have been the type that would apologize for looking at my ass, much less smacking it in the empty aisle of a grocery store. I attract nice guys. I’m looking for a nice guy with a wild streak I guess.
The search is on..