I’ve been researching this whole how to fix this…situation. And there’s not many books out there on the subject. I mean, there’s He’s Just Not That Into You but I get that. I really and truly do get the fact that he just isn’t that in to me. So I guess I just have to do this my own way.
So today, my first step (of a process with an unknown amount of steps!) is to admit that this is not my future. I have said it many times, but I truly want to believe in my heart that there is nothing left in that relationship with The Friend that is serving me at all. And I do not think friendship is possible between us because of the sexual chemistry.
How do I admit this truth? Well, I am choosing to live in the moment and only focus on what is happening in the present, not what happened in the past. I could spend hours debating what I saw in him int he beginning, or all the wrong things that have been done to me in the interim. But that’s not really productive because the way things are today is the way things are period.
It is unfair to expect me to answer emails, text messages, or phone calls at someone else’s whim, but not be afforded the same courtesy. It is unfair to expect me to always be home, open my house or bed, and ask no questions. If someone brand new appeared before me and presented me with these behaviors–being absent for 84 days at a time, avoiding text messages, expecting me to ask “how high?” when he says “jump”? I’d be blazing a trail to the nearest laptop, PC, or cellphone to declare to the world, via this blog, what a gigantic asshole I’d just been privy to.
I guess I am lenient with him because of the past. So much of what I think of him is based on two years ago. The beauty that I personally found in our interactions has so often been a reason to answer the phone, return the email, whatever. It’s all the in past, though.
And there is no future in the past. What does he bring me, right now? Nothing. It’s not positive, and it’s not negative. There are no fights, no drama. No empty promises because there is nothing there, save every 84 days or so, right?
So here I am admitting that there is no future for me with The Friend. That train has sailed, I suppose you could say. I am not naive enough to think that because I’m admitting this that I will still believe it an hour or day or week or month from now. I am just saying that, step one is to admit that there’s nothing in going forward.
How do I implement it? What do I do after this step? I don’t know. I’m just taking this first step in faith.
The Blind Leading the Blonde 
Bookmark this post, paste the URL in a Sticky on your desktop—do anything to give you easy access to it, and come back to it if you find yourself falling again for The Friend, or anyone else who acts this way. Because this?
It is unfair to expect me to answer emails, text messages, or phone calls at someone else’s whim, but not be afforded the same courtesy. It is unfair to expect me to always be home, open my house or bed, and ask no questions. If someone brand new appeared before me and presented me with these behaviors–being absent for 84 days at a time, avoiding text messages, expecting me to ask “how high?” when he says “jump”? I’d be blazing a trail to the nearest laptop, PC, or cellphone to declare to the world, via this blog, what a gigantic asshole I’d just been privy to.
…is pretty much the perfect litmus test for whether someone is worth spending your time thinking about. It’s also a spot-on description of my last failed relationship AND for my relationship with my friendshipless (and benefitless) FWB experience. Yikes.
You’ll eventually learn to divorce the past from the present and get over the feelings you have/had. It’ll be hard, but this post is a great first step, and I know you can do it. 🙂
I forward about your not FWB that was a FWB. sometimes emotional FWB is worse?
Thanks for the confidence in me even when I don’t see it!
xoxo The Blonde
Get your hands on a copy of “It’s Called a Break-up Because It’s Broken”. Easy read, good points, helped me get through the end of a 5 1/2 year relationship. Also? Find a way to make yourself feel good (I took up running and have since run 8 half marathons and am training for a triathlon now) that is good for you and will help fill your time and clear your head. Stay out of situations that will remind you of him. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it:) You’re worth it:)
I bought that book, strangely enough, four years ago this month. I suppose I could dust it off. I’m sort of turned off by the writing style of the “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the “It’s Called..”
I suppose I’ll read it again 🙂
Thanks for the motivation!
xoxo The Blonde
Go check out Lindsay’s blog: http://www.loveaddictnyc.com if you haven’t already. Maybe you can try out her 12 steps or use them to create your own. Plus, her stories are so great.
It is not possible to fall out of love with someone, but one of the blessings of being human is that we can love more than one person. Love can be twisted into hate, however (see divorces), but this is very unpleasant and ill-advised. A smarter way is to put the whole episode with the Friend into a little cherished box in your mind and move on to someone else. Denying it will just mess you up, avoiding it will do the same. Acknowledge, pack away for later times to enjoy the memories and potentialities of, then start looking for the next one.
I think the way you’ve put it is very, very lovely. I appreciate your support and I am trying to do just what you suggested. I’ll let you know how it goes
xoxo The Blonde.