I’ve been researching this whole how to fix this…situation. And there’s not many books out there on the subject. I mean, there’s He’s Just Not That Into You but I get that. I really and truly do get the fact that he just isn’t that in to me. So I guess I just have to do this my own way.
So today, my first step (of a process with an unknown amount of steps!) is to admit that this is not my future. I have said it many times, but I truly want to believe in my heart that there is nothing left in that relationship with The Friend that is serving me at all. And I do not think friendship is possible between us because of the sexual chemistry.
How do I admit this truth? Well, I am choosing to live in the moment and only focus on what is happening in the present, not what happened in the past. I could spend hours debating what I saw in him int he beginning, or all the wrong things that have been done to me in the interim. But that’s not really productive because the way things are today is the way things are period.
It is unfair to expect me to answer emails, text messages, or phone calls at someone else’s whim, but not be afforded the same courtesy. It is unfair to expect me to always be home, open my house or bed, and ask no questions. If someone brand new appeared before me and presented me with these behaviors–being absent for 84 days at a time, avoiding text messages, expecting me to ask “how high?” when he says “jump”? I’d be blazing a trail to the nearest laptop, PC, or cellphone to declare to the world, via this blog, what a gigantic asshole I’d just been privy to.
I guess I am lenient with him because of the past. So much of what I think of him is based on two years ago. The beauty that I personally found in our interactions has so often been a reason to answer the phone, return the email, whatever. It’s all the in past, though.
And there is no future in the past. What does he bring me, right now? Nothing. It’s not positive, and it’s not negative. There are no fights, no drama. No empty promises because there is nothing there, save every 84 days or so, right?
So here I am admitting that there is no future for me with The Friend. That train has sailed, I suppose you could say. I am not naive enough to think that because I’m admitting this that I will still believe it an hour or day or week or month from now. I am just saying that, step one is to admit that there’s nothing in going forward.
How do I implement it? What do I do after this step? I don’t know. I’m just taking this first step in faith.