New Digs, New Opportunities


My day job moved back into a prominent building on campus.  No longer am I The Blonde who lives underground and barely sees sunlight.

And the best part about this building, aside from the vitamin d increase and the fabulous tone of my skin with the extra sunlight, of course, is that we’re back in the hub of campus.  Surrounded by professors, grad students, and just people in general. More than one coworker has pointed out to me what a varietal gold mine this is for a young person like myself.  All the perks of a college campus without actually having to be the college student again!

So I’ve decided that next week I start using the common areas of the new building for lunch and seeing who I can mingle with.  There is a fourth floor lounge, a grad student area, and some sort of reading room with a leather chair.  Monday I’ll do the study room, Tuesday I’ll visit the lounge, and Thursday I’ll visit the grad student area.

I think I’ll spend all weekend strategically picking outfits that show off my assets and also allow me to walk the extra mile to this new building. Hmmm…

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Step 1


12_steps_of_aa-080131a

I’ve been researching this whole how to fix this…situation.  And there’s not many books out there on the subject.  I mean, there’s He’s Just Not That Into You but I get that.  I really and truly do get the fact that he just isn’t that in to me. So I guess I just have to do this my own way.

So today, my first step (of a process with an unknown amount of steps!) is to admit that this is not my future.  I have said it many times, but I truly want to believe in my heart that there is nothing left in that relationship with The Friend that is serving me at all. And I do not think friendship is possible between us because of the sexual chemistry.

How do I admit this truth? Well, I am choosing to live in the moment and only focus on what is happening in the present, not what happened in the past.  I could spend hours debating what I saw in him int he beginning, or all the wrong things that have been done to me in the interim.  But that’s not really productive because the way things are today is the way things are period.

It is unfair to expect me to answer emails, text messages, or phone calls at someone else’s whim, but not be afforded the same courtesy.  It is unfair to expect me to always be home, open my house or bed, and ask no questions.  If someone brand new appeared before me and presented me with these behaviors–being absent for 84 days at a time, avoiding text messages, expecting me to ask “how high?” when he says “jump”?  I’d be blazing a trail to the nearest laptop, PC, or cellphone to declare to the world, via this blog, what a gigantic asshole I’d just been privy to.

I guess I am lenient with him because of the past.  So much of what I think of him is based on two years ago. The beauty that I personally found in our interactions has so often been a reason to answer the phone, return the email, whatever.  It’s all the in past, though.

And there is no future in the past.  What does he bring me, right now?  Nothing.  It’s not positive, and it’s not negative.  There are no fights, no drama.  No empty promises because there is nothing there, save every 84 days or so, right?

So here I am admitting that there is no future for me with The Friend.  That train has sailed, I suppose you could say.  I am not naive enough to think that because I’m admitting this that I will still believe it an hour or day or week or month from now.  I am just saying that, step one is to admit that there’s nothing in going forward.

How do I implement it?  What do I do after this step?  I don’t know.  I’m just taking this first step in faith.

Day 1.


Medicine Drug Pills on Plate
If I were addicted to pills, at least there'd be a tv show for me.

If yesterday was day 84….today is day 1.

It wasn’t by plan, you know.  I didn’t do it on purpose.  In fact I had nothing to do with it.  When he didn’t respond to my email I went on about my business until I got a call from him.

And he was in town.  Two hours of driving. Surprise.

So today’s day 1.

This is it.  I admit it.  All my friends win.  Brunette, coworker, even The Boyfriend.  You’re right…I am powerless over The Friend.  It affects my ability to think clearly and make rational decisions.  In the scheme of things, 84 days isn’t enough to make a new life.

But I don’t know what to do.  It’s like I can’t help myself sometimes.  I’ve done the usual things.  We aren’t Facebook friends, I threw all our pictures away.  I am sure that this relationship can never work out.  But I am also sure that I’m painfully unable to complete the process and have made several backslides in the past year that have been detrimental to the entire purpose of this blog–moving on and finding love.

So here I am, at the mercy of the internet.  I need books, tapes, telephone numbers of your best psychotherapy groups, whatever you think will help me.  At this point, I’m ready to 12 step my way back to reality.

I am committed to figuring this thing out once and for all.  Bring it on.  I need you guys.

84 Days


The iPod family with, from the left to the rig...

 

 

Today is what I like to call my “Saturday Lite”. I work ten hour days so I am afforded one week day off. It’s a nice gig, and it provides me with a “Friday Lite”, which means on Tuesdays I can do whatever I’d like. I can eat dinner out, have some wine, stay up too late watching Conan. Whatever.

Last night I didn’t really feel like doing much. I stopped to pick up dinner and came in to eat it. I decided to plug in my neglected iPod and give it a listen. I couldn’t deal with the shuffling of 10,000 songs so I looked at my playlists and chose one from fall 2009.

And suddenly this feeling hit me. It was weird. Clearly this was a mix of mildly lovelorn to moderately angry songs to frame the six month period where I didn’t talk to The Friend.

It was a hard fall. I did anything..and I mean anything to keep myself from calling and texting him. I went to wine nights and watched tv shows I didn’t care about. I hid my phone, I went to bed at 7pm sometimes to avoid it. I sat silently through a football game in Gainesville in hopes that he wouldn’t spot me literally two rows behind him. I was on a mission to heal my heart.

And it worked. Sort of. It worked in the sense that I can talk to him without getting into an argument. I can sleep with him without mentally falling to pieces. And I can go a few months without seeing or hearing from someone who I literally spoke to at least three times daily. I don’t know why I gave in a saw him a few times in 2010, but I did.

Listening to the playlist made me sort of sad. Mostly I was sad that I didn’t even remember that this playlist was so vital to my life. I didn’t remember the fall or the avoidance or the pain. Which on the surface is good. But being truthful, in 2010 I slid back on that avoidance thing.

It’s been 84 days since I’ve “seen him”. Not that I’m counting or anything, but that’s 2 months and 23 days. I didn’t blog about our last encounter because I felt stupid that I gave in so soon after I made that promise to try to rid my relationship-life of unnecessary clutter. And because I’m 99% sure he reads this blog..hey Friend.. and because I technically spoke to him on the phone earlier this month, and did post about that.. but for some reason I don’t consider that Friend the same as this Friend. But they’re the same person. Anyway…

The urge to text was strong last night. So I hid my phone and went to bed and fell asleep feeling stupid for being twenty *cough* and hiding my phone from myself…sober…to avoid a boy…

And I woke up thinking. “Well that wasn’t so bad, now, was it?” and planned to blog here about my conquering of the evening, and lament to you all the struggle that i face..and to ponder just how long it will take me to forget him entirely. But I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to hide my phone again.

But before I could get my purple laptop out…I ran to the grocery store. Afterall, we were expecting a blizzard this morning, and I couldn’t be snowed in.

And on my way home from the store…my phone buzzed with an email. And it was him. Just checking on me.

A short and sweet three line composition asking about my status, since I hadn’t contacted him after our brief phone call. And he called me by my pet name, and I’m sure if he could have virtually ruffled my blonde hair and poked my side, he would have. It was carefully crafted, I could tell. I figured he sat around debating the format for a while. It called me by name, contained a dash, and didn’t sign his name because, well, he’s never really known how to do that in an email. Intials? Full name?

My mind immediately romanticized the fact that our breaking points are the same. 84 days this time. I lasted long enough again. He wondered about me. Maybe he wants to see me. Maybe he’s coming to see me.

 

  

  

But it’s not like that. I wrote a short message of pleasantries back; he emailed again, and my email of queries went unanswered. As usual.

But the damage is done. My psyche is stirred. The same cycle starts over of me wanting, wondering.

A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words. Sometimes.


I have come to some conclusions in the past week or so as I browse endless profiles on OkCupid.  Most of these conclusions I make in about twenty seconds.  And it’s all based on profile pictures.

I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking ‘Even The Blonde is human! She judges appearance too!’ But friends, my judgment isn’t based on what you look like at all.  I have discovered three things in profile pictures that are completely unrelated to your face that, if they are there, I will immediately judge you as unattractive.

1) Your children in your profile picture.  I love children, don’t get me wrong. In fact, when I babysit, my ovaries practically ache with want.  Sincerely.  But when I see your children in OkCupid profile pictures, I am disgusted.  First off, why on earth would you want your photos of your children on a dating site?  Shouldn’t there be some boundaries for your children with regards to privacy?  And furthermore, when I see you posed there with your ‘kids’ (as you are so apt to call them) I feel like you are trying to manipulate me (which is bad) by using your children (which is worse).  Gross.  I love children, and therefore, don’t want to see yours on a dating site!

2)  Shirtless pictures–I have found so many profile pictures on OkCupid of shirtless men staring into bathroom mirrors with their cellphones stretched behind their heads (to capture the entire body! duh!).  I’ve seen so many, in fact, that I’ve actually added to my profile “You should contact me if… you have a shirt on in your profile picture” because apparently it’s that rare.  Why?  You are not The Situation and you should probably be proud of that.  Your shirtless picture makes me judge you.  Sorry.  I just think you’re dumb.

3) Pictures that clearly showcase someone else that you’ve not-so-carefully-cut-out  First off, do you realize that I can still see someone’s arm?  Is it a girl’s arm?  Most likely.  Second, is this the only digital picture you have of yourself?  Find a friend and take a picture alone.  Preferably not with your kids and not with your shirt off.  And don’t send me a message because if you have to find a friend with a digital camera, I’m pretty much not going to have a real interest in you.

I’m sorry, I’m a judgmental Blonde.  But it’s not for the typical reasons.  I just think that a picture says 1,000 words. But some pictures only say one word:  Loser.

xoxo The Blonde.

An answer to your prayers


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Get it?

Magically, after yesterday’s post, I found this little advertisement floating on the side of my Facebook. “Sometimes, late at night…our minds take us places we know we just shouldn’t go…THE EX BLOCKER!”  http://blockyourex.com/

You see, it’s for a little product called The Ex Blocker, and for no fees…you can download a plug-in for Chrome or Firefox that, with a little help on the front end, will prevent you from seeing anything about your ex! It’s an (almost) fool-proof way to prevent yourself from checking up on your ex.  The plug-in will block google searches (or at least retrieving sites related to) for your ex, their Twitter, their Facebook, and (if you are so inclined to add it) their blog!

Should you change your mind, you can always uninstall the plug-in or remove the person from (what I’m loving referring to as) The Eternal Sunshine list.

The only problem I see with The Ex Blocker is that you can only block four people! So either pick the all-time, top four worst…or stop seeing bad people!

So, am I endorsing this product?  No.  Am I telling you this is the answer to your prayers?  No.  I’m just telling you that, if you’ve got little self-control, this is the digital equivalent of putting on a lock on your refrigerator.

Why, in my day, I had to block The Boyfriend by hand and just PRAY I didn’t get drunk and google him!

Hmm, if only they made this for drunk dials!

Q&A Tuesday: Facebook Friends?


Most every Tuesday I answer questions submitted by readers on my formspring.me account.  I invite questions or insight anonymously on the site and answer them in a post the following week. Submit your questions for next week’s edition by clicking this link.  Link opens in a new window.

 

 

Q:  Dear Blonde, are you Facebook friends with The Boyfriend? And should I be Facebook friends with my ex?

The answer to this question isn’t so simple, reader.  You see, every situation is different.  But if I had to err on the side of anything, it would be caution, and I would tell you that being Facebook friends with an ex probably isn’t the best idea out there.

Now, if you dated casually, it might be okay and something that isn’t bothersome, but if you are exiting a serious relationship and the Facebook question arises, I think perhaps it’s best if you click the ‘unadd’ button and don’t look back.

To explain myself, maybe I should answer the first half of your question..I’m not friends with The Boyfriend on Facebook.  In fact, I avoid him and most of his connections on any social networking site.  Part of that is because I know my limits.  Part of being a happy-go-lucky Blonde is not surrounding myself with things that bring me down.  And during the early stages of my break-up, having to see day-to-day updates of my ex’s life was definitely a bring-down. I operate on an out-of-site, out-of-mind basis.  When I don’t see on social networking sites, I don’t have to worry about in the wee hours of the morning when I’m having trouble sleeping.  This became even more necessary when The Boyfriend got a Girlfriend.  I was on my path to enlightenment and didn’t need to dwell on theirs. And as Facebook expanded (gee I feel old!) it became necessary to block family members of The Boyfriend who came up in my totally clueless and misguided Suggested Friends list.

Have I ever been tempted to see what The Boyfriend is doing? In the beginning, a million times.  But somehow, the same thing that always prevents me from driving to his apartment to see the dog I left behind stops me from Facebooking him.  Some things, for me, are best left in the past.

Accidents still happen.  More than once I’ve posted something on a friend’s Facebook status only to see, hours later, that they are responding to something The Boyfriend wrote.  But because we have one another blocked, we can’t see the entire conversation. There was a time when we were accidentally Twitter friends.  Yes, accidentally.  His Gmail automatically imported contacts and I guess I was still in there.  That lasted about three days before we mutually blocked one another.  I guess for him, it’s better to not know what The Blonde is doing…just like it’s best that I don’t have to see his daily updates, either.

My case is personal, but it could be different for others.. if you have a clingy ex, then having a Facebook connection is an even worse idea.  It gives someone a glimpse at you.  Your connections, your pictures, your fabulousness.  It’s all there for inspection…

Ultimately, friend, the choice is yours.  But if you’re not up for talking to your ex daily on the phone, why would you ever want them on your Facebook page?

I’m Looking For Full Time Employment


I’ve told you about my friend The Brunette, right? She’s a great friend, always there to talk about dating and relating. She shares stories with me, listens to my straight-up weird scenarios that I always end up falling ass-backwards into (somehow..)..and sometimes I’d like to think that she’s my alter ego. You know, if alter egos weren’t so downright creepy.

What I mean is, The Brunette has more experience, tells raunchier stories, and generally isn’t afraid to say whatever needs to be said. Where I am the sweet, self-aware blonde, she’s the tough but sexy brunette. So let me channel her for just a moment and type something very out of character for The Blonde.

It all started out with a Blackberry Messenger conversation… cue dream sequence music and fuzzy camera workTonight we were chatting. The subject of being someone’s side piece came up.

“And then he said to me ‘I wish we could fuck every night'”, The Brunette typed out the sentence a boy, (who has a very serious girlfriend, mind you!) just sent her.

And her reply? “Hello! That’s what your girlfriend is for!”

And she’s right. A relationship like that takes work and effort, and ‘fucking every night’…do I really need to tell you that takes effort too? It’s a lot of work with a small amount of payoff, even with amazing, mind-blowing sex.

Of course, I’ve been in the same position. By choice, I was someone’s side piece for a very long time. And when you take that role on, you realize that it comes with no benefits. It’s a part time job. But you put in hours like it’s a full time commitment.

Boyfriends, like employers, only have to extend benefits when you serve in a full-time capacity. Putting in a full forty hours per week at a job ensures that you’re entitled the right to purchase health insurance; ‘fucking every night’ earns me the right to not be something on the side. And if you want me to work that hard and not get the benefits? Sorry, The (new and improved) Blonde isn’t down for that(any more!).

I told The Brunette that I wasn’t ever going to hold down a full time job like that without benefits. In other words, there will never be another time that I have sex with someone on the regular and I don’t get to be the main attraction.

Because it’s hard. You put a lot of emotion into what you do. Sure, having sex is fun and that’s probably a benefit in and of itsself..but most normal people (myself included) put more into a relationship, even if you’re just a side piece, than just the physical part. Somewhere along the lines you develop feelings and you end up being a girlfriend that does all the work and gets very little out of the scenario. The reward for caring so much, for being loyal and unquestioning, for being a girlfriend, should be the love, support, and time of your significant other. When you’re feeling the need for that emotional fufillment, you should have the payoff of them being there. If they’re not…? Well it’s like working all week at the factory, and catching a cold…but you didn’t get the chance to buy insurance and now you can’t get medicine.

So…I wouldn’t work at a job full time and not expect benefits. I’m not going to work at a relationship full time and not expect the same benefits.