This year my best decision wasn’t in response to one specific scenario, but rather..it was a decision to live a certain lifestyle of being unafraid.
My whole life, I’ve been cautious. Not just cautious…afraid. I was protected as a child, from physical harm, from emotional harm. And I’m forever grateful to my family for their protection. The upside to their protection is that I didn’t have the typical childhood accidents most children have, I trust the good in people more than my fellow peers, and I can always, always tell you the safest way to do something.
But my family’s protection also came at a price. I trust myself less and trust others more, I hide from discomfort, and I tend to give up if it looks dangerous.
But in 2010 I started the year with an outlook I didn’t even know I had developed. I know I don’t talk about it much here, but I lost a significant amount of weight. And around the first of the year I hit the 100 pounds lost mark. I celebrated with my friends and family, and my cousin confessed to me that he was in absolute awe of my dedication and my will. “If you can do this, you can do anything you put your mind to!” The words were kind, but days later I was still thinking about them.
What I had done was impressive, but I didn’t realize the determination it took until after it was done. Sure, I knew the work it too, the hours of fitness, the days when I had to suffer at work while coworkers ate cake and other sweets right in front of me as I carefully counted out every goldfish cracker. But I didn’t realize that to do those things successfully, it took something special inside of me. A friend asked “Didn’t you get overwhelmed at the idea of losing that much? Why didn’t you get scared and quit?”
The truth was I never thought about it as being scary, it was just what was happening. Looking back, though, it did overwhelm me and frighten me. But how silly, it was already done!
After the first of the year, I just sort of made this commitment to myself to stop being afraid of things and put my heart into what I wanted to do. If I could face my weight, and conquer that, then I could conquer anything, right? No fear, Blondie.
So took this no fear attitude and applied it elsewhere. I rode a rollercoaster (or ten) for the first time in my entire life this year. I was twenty five. How did I do it? I walked up and sat down. Turns out that physics really is true. And it wasn’t awful, I didn’t die. In fact, it felt like I was living.
I climbed that waterfall in Jamaica, too. No fear, Blondie. Even when it was scary, painful, no-fun. I made it up to the top.
But maybe the decision I’m most proud of, one this “No Fear” attitude lead me to, was taking the LSAT. I should have taken it a long time ago, but I didn’t. And I still don’t know if I’m going to law school in the fall, but I do know that I took something I was absolutely afraid of, I sat down in front of it, and I gave it my best shot. And it turns out I did well. I shouldn’t have feared a piece of paper. I can promise you I won’t ever again put something off for four years because I’m afraid of myself.
Part of Reverb10 project is to look at 2010 and reflect on your successes and failures, and the other part is to manifest 2011 and your desires for the year. I hope that I am writing Reverb11 next year and can proudly tell you that not only have I maintained my unafraid stance, but that I am using it in my dating life. I want to believe in myself again, believe that I am worthy and able. I hope my unafraid stance attracts more men than it scares away. I hope it lets me be attracted to men more than I am scared away. Keep reading, and keep reminding me, okay?
No fear, Blondie.