I’ll be the first to admit that I can be judgemental, especially towards couples. But sometimes I think it’s important to embrace what you are and carefully evaluate what you want to be when the time comes. So, as a single person, I’m here to tell you about all the absolutely annoying shit couples do, and what I don’t want to be when I am no longer the “bitter single” Blonde that I am today. I’ll freely tell you now that when I was in a relationship I was probably guilty of some of these things but….I’m really, really sorry, society! Anyway, here’s a quick list for your amusement.
Annoying Shit Couples Do
10. Planned girl nights/guy nights–I hate things that aren’t organic, especially when it comes to friendships. If you have to designated a specific night of the month that is appropriate to do something with me, I don’t want your pity party. Be strong enough in your relationship to know that a spontaneous Wednesday off from one another isn’t going to kill everything. I realize schedules are difficult to work out. I realize it’s hard to tear yourselves away from one another. But girls night? Guys night? What happened to living? And to make it worse after ever guy night/girl night there has to be this fantastic date night reunion, wherein you go to dinner and advertise it to everyone that you’re on a date.
9. Sit together when they shouldn’t–a follower on twitter recently called this the “two headed captain”, and what we’re referring to is when a couple sits at a booth or table on the same side…without anyone on the other side! I’ll also throw in those who ride in a truck and scoot over to the middle. I realize you value your time together, but are you really so absolutely thrilled to be together that you can’t sit across from one another at a dinner table? It makes me highly uncomfortable and you won’t ever catch me doing this.
8. Promise you’ll find someone awesome–It’s all well and good, and I definitely believe it, but please don’t throw your relationship up in my face as proof that I’ll find someone totally awesome that just completes me and makes life worth living. Because, if you’re doing anything else on this list, chances are, the fact that you tell me one day I’ll have everything you’ve got will just make me cry.
7. Mentally check out–I find it annoying when you’re doing something with a friend and they’re mentally absent from the activity. There is nothing more annoying than going somewhere with the intent to spend time with a friend and they’re so miserable that they either occupy themselves by texting their S.O. the entire duration or mope around missing the person. Listen, I’ve been in love. I dated someone for six years. I missed him, but I also missed my friends and quality time with them. When I did take time away from The Boyfriend, I wanted to be mentally engaged in my activity, since I didn’t usually spend time out! I sometimes wish friends who pull the texting stunt would just stay home. I’d rather you be one of those people who ditch me for the S.O. than to come out and spend your time scheming to get back.
6. Fight–It’s funny to have a disagreement. I’m the world’s worst. But when it’s something that goes on and was totally out of line, it makes every in the room want to crawl into the closet, suck their thumb, and rock. If your S.O. is too drunk, too flirty, or otherwise out of line, please…correct him or her out of my sight and earshot. If it’s going to be a knock down, drag out…and let’s be frank, you know when you’re starting that one, take it to the house.
5. Nicknames–The occasional nickname is fine. But have you ever met a couple who quite literally refuse to refer to one another by their given names? After about 10 minutes it gets unnerving. It’s especially amusing if they insist on keeping up with the nickname calling even when they’re arguing. “But, SNOOKUMS, I said the rent is too damn high.”
4. Matching T-shirts–somehow I see this way more often than I really should. Maybe it’s because I live near the world’s trashiest (and yet most scenic!) tourist trap. Airbrushed shirts that say things like “Jimmy’s girl” and “Donna’s man” with a mountain scene or a Camaro in the background have got to go.
3. ambush you–We’ve all been there. I’d venture to say we’ve all done it. But please, please, please tell me you realized almost immediately it was wrong. A friend, maybe a girl friend or a guy friend, invites you somewhere. Let’s say…drinks, a movie, whatever. You agree, and when you show up, suddenly you’re blind-sided that their S.O. is at the table or in the theatre. You’re instantly the third wheel and you didn’t even see it coming. Listen, I know sometimes you need to bring your S.O. and I know sometimes it’s hard to ask your friend because you know they’ll back out if they’re a third wheel. But buck up and at least give your friend the heads up. Trust me when I say this–we need mental time to prepare ourselves to be the third wheel. I’ll still come on the outing, but I want to be prepared for having to sit on the end and not have anyone to partner with on the 2 for $20. Also, I will ask for forgiveness for this one. Because before I became The Blonde, I was The Girlfriend and I was the world’s WORST for toting The Boyfriend everywhere. Oops.
2. Become couple exclusive–while we’re on the subject of third wheels, how annoying is it when couples start becoming couple exclusive? Couple exclusive=hanging out with other couples. If you happen to be one of the misfortunate friends who isn’t coupled up, then you are forgotten. Because you’d end up being the third wheel. I’m not sure if they do this because they don’t want to make you feel bad, or if your third wheel-ness bothers them. Food for thought.
1. Make you choose when it’s over–I find it ironic that some couples can be annoying even after they’re not couples any more. You’ve been there. There is a break up, it’s sort of unclear who you were friends with, but it becomes pretty clear they expect you to only be friends with one of them. Now you’ve got a choice to make. Tradition dictates that you go with whomever you were friends with first. But what if you met them as a couple? Well, it gets more complicated. Now you’ve got a real choice to make. Usually they’ll each try to get to you, explain their side of the story. And what’s more annoying than having to hear the same story, from two perspectives? It’s double boring, usually. Usually couples will pick the dumped rather than the dumper. Single folks pick their own gender. If you’re me, you quit talking to both of them.
This is just a short list of the many, many ways couples annoy me as a single person. I fully acknowledge that I, when in a relationship, have been guilty of every single item on the list. Except the airbrushed shirts. I’ve never stooped that low. Ooh, and the booth thing. That creeps me out. Feel free to list some of your annoyances in the comments. I think this is a list I’ll keep adding to. That is, until I hit the couple stage again. And then it’s back to putting my hand in your back pocket as we walk down the street. Which, incidentally, is number 11 on the list.