Would You Date You?


After serious contemplation at the prodding of Patti Stanger, I realized that all three of my past relationships shared one giant common denominator:  ME.

It’s easy to sit here in my apartment and list out characteristics that these men possessed that I hated.  But it takes real courage to sit down and think about Relationship Me and what she brought to the table. 

So just like Patti suggested for the men in my life, I sat down and took a hard look at the experiences I had in my relationship with my boyfriend, the friend with benefits, and the one who didn’t happen. What did I like about myself? And what did I absolutely hate?

The best quality I bring to a relationship is my thoughtfulness.  If I care about someone enough to let them in my life, I want to do things that really WOW them.  I enjoy giving truly meaningful gifts on holidays and special surprises for every day.  I think that I do these things in order to show my partner how much I think of them.  And if we’re in a relationship, I think about you a lot.  The best things I’ve done? Engraved pocketwatches, framed photographs taken from our football seats with a special message on the back.  Scavenger hunts.  Special baskets of candy.  Anonymous treats.  When I look back on the cute things I’ve done, I’m really proud that I think of such personalized ways to make someone know they are appreciated.  I hope I am always so thoughtful to friends, family, and partners.

But then beyond my thoughtfulness, it’s difficult to find something else I really and truly like about Relationship Me.  She was a real bitch who wanted her way all the time, enjoyed pouting when she didn’t get it, and did stupid, stupid things for attention.  She got bored way too easily, she wasn’t always faithful (and for that I’m truly, truly ashamed).  Most of my relationships began out of making someone pity me for a previous relationship that went poorly.  Relationship Me fought over petty things like the dishes, bad jokes, and whether or not Humpty Dumpty was *always* portrayed as an egg. I was dishonest to myself and to my partners about a variety of things, big and small.  I’ve done a lot of things I look back on and regret…. I will spare you the details of the rotten things I’ve done, but it’s enough to tell you that I don’t ever want to be the girlfriend leaving notes on the fridge that threaten to move out if the garbage isn’t take out by 5:00 p.m.  I’m not sure how I got to the point that I was so unpleasant, but it wasn’t a pretty picture.

Once I saw a question that simply said “Would you date yourself?”  And at the time I was still with The Ex-Boyfriend.  It was toward the end and I was pretty unhappy, but the question still punched me in the gut, mostly because I knew the answer.  I would have run screaming in the other direction from Relationship Me.  I wouldn’t have made it through the first date with her, actually.  And I think my biggest fear is that I haven’t changed.  As thoughtful as I could be, the hurtful words and actions that happened between the thoughtful deeds clouded everything.

I have a much happier disposition these days and I’ve worked through many of my issues, but I’ve honestly not had a chance to test drive myself in a relationship situation to know if the changes I’ve made are more than skin deep.  It scares me to think that I could slip back into Relationship Me.  Nobody deserves to be stuck with her, and its false advertising in a sense because I never start out a relationship coming from a bad place.  What if I haven’t changed? What if i don’t fight fair? And how will I ever know until it’s too late?

If Patti had me write a list of pros and cons for men and then visualize what I wanted, maybe I should do the same for myself. 

Relationship Me should be:

-Thoughtful

-Fun, willing to joke and laugh at myself and my partner

-Supportive of my partners goals and dreams

-Understanding and respectful of opinions and feelings

-Faithful and loyal

-Honest

-Willing to compromise

-An equal partner, willing to do my share for the relationship

Basically I want to be with someone that *I* would want to be with.  Why is this such a revelation for me? My mother has been hammering this “golden rule” into my head since I was a child.  Do unto boyfriends as you would have boyfriends do unto you.  Amazing.  No matter what I was in the past, I know deep down I have the ability to be a good, caring girlfriend or wife to someone out there.  Having these tough experiences as a teen and young adult aren’t tragic.  Indeed, the real tragedy here would be if I didn’t take these experiences, learn from them, and apply this breakthrough knowledge to my next relationship and have a better turn out. 

Relationship Me, I forgive you!  You were young, you were confused, and you were insecure.  You just got in over your head.  You can be a better person, and I’m willing to give you a chance to be better.  I forgive you.

The Pros and Cons of Breathing


So, I guess I haven’t really done any work in a while in terms of trying to find a suitable person to date.  I left off somewhere in the Patti Stanger 12 Step Program at the “meet someone at a sushi bar” page.  But I haven’t done much of the nitty-gritty self work that is required to find my mate.  So today’s exercise involves the production of a Pro/Con list of the men of my past.  For the sake of this blog I’ve gone with three men:  The Boyfriend, The Friend, and The One Who I Wanted (But didn’t get..).  I’ve listed things that I enjoyed about each relationship/person under the pro list and listed a few things that I ultimately didn’t like under the con list.  So, without further ado…I present you with The List.

The Boyfriend

Pros:

  • Thoughtful and sentimental.  Extremely thoughtful.  More thoughtful than I really thought a male could be.
  • Funny. Clever humor.  So many inside jokes.
  • History.  Knew me from age 5.  Knew my background, my accomplishments, my abilities.  Knew my family.
  • Intelligent and driven.  He’s working on a PhD.  Enough said. He wanted a future and was working for it. I was hesitant to even add this to the list because I didn’t value this at the time. Depressing.
  • Loyal.  No matter how bad I was, or what I did that was wrong, he was going to stay there and take it.

Cons

  • Loyal.  I’m including this twice because he was loyal to a fault and it was hard to respect that.
  • Poor hygiene.  Rarely got haircuts and didn’t shave his beard.  I like a goatee but the full beard was too wooly for me.
  • Selfish, but in weird ways.  He was selfish in that he wanted the bigger piece of pie, literally.  Sometimes I felt like I was on my own in terms of being taken care of.
  • Poor planner.  I remember specifically an anniversary that broke my heart. For being so thoughtful, sometimes he would just not even plan. That’s another story for another time, though.

The Friend (That Was More)
Pros

  • Excellent sex that made me realize what sex could be.  Do I need to elaborate? And it’s first on this list because it’s the only think I could come up with for a long, long time.
  • Wanted me to be better.  I think he saw that I was so co-dependent, but was capable of a lot more than what I was doing. His approach to get me there wasn’t great. But the concept deserves kudos.
  • Had a strong desire to care for me in simple ways. He wanted to find a car for me, take care of the car, fix things around my house.

Cons

  • Absolutely unequivocally a pathological liar.  About things big and small.  I will never live like that again.
  • Irresponsible with money and wanted to use mine more often than not
  • Literally unable to be faithful, to me, or to anyone else.
  • Has no long-term plans,ever.  I think he literally lives day-to-day and has a great job and is okay with that. I will be so jealous when he figures that out and settles down with someone.

The One I Wanted (But Didn’t Get)
Pros

  • Extremely funny, and thought I was funny too. Our senses of humor clicked immediately. We bantered and he could make me struggle to hold my own. I loved that.
  • Was honest with me about his fears and hopes, things that haunted him.  Things that inspired him.  I found it refreshing.
  • Made me feel attractive and wanted very easily

Cons

  • Was already in a relationship
  • Interested in me but sort of ‘whatever’ about whether or not anything would happen
  • Inconsistent.  Would come and go and not really in a predictable manner.

So what does this teach me?  I’m still working on that one. I mean, obviously it should show me what I do want and don’t want in a future mate.  But it doesn’t get me any closer to finding one.  I can’t walk outside my office with a clip board and start checking boxes.  These things, for me at least, are things that I feel like I’ll only know about a person as I get to know them.  I can’t look at a person on a first date and know they can banter with me, they are super thoughtful, and they aren’t a pathological liar. It all takes time.  And if anything I’ve learned it takes a long time to get to know the real person inside everyone.

I’m worried that having this list encourages comparisons.  And someone once begged me “Please don’t make them the measuring stick for everyone else”.  I really took that to heart.  These men have no bearing on my future.  At least I don’t want them to.  So I’m not so sold on this idea.  But I’m posting this because I put effort into the exercise and maybe one day this will all make sense.  Or maybe someone out there has an observation I haven’t arrived at yet.

Q&A Tuesday


 

What type/genre of restaurant do you think is best-suited for dates?

   

  

  

There are two places in my town that I would like to be taken. It’s my dream that, one day, a guy will independently invite me to one of these two places. Not even a first date, just any date. The two places are low in price but high in atmosphere and kitsch. One is a restaurant and bar that keeps odd hours, but has an eclectic menu and an interesting downstairs area. I’ve eaten here alone, but want to go with a partner. The second place is a meat-and-three located in the east part of my city, it is not a place that is fancy at all. In fact, most people won’t go inside the place. But I’m interested in trying their food. I’m not sure I’ll ever find someone who will straight out ask me there, but I’m still hopeful. The next person who asks me out, maybe I’ll suggest one of the two secret places.

 

I think the environment of the restaurant is more important than the genre of food they provide. Some restaurants are loud, some are awkwardly quiet. Some are private and some are more about being ‘seen in the scene’. Ideally, before a gentleman asks a lady out, he has some sort of sense of her style and can intuit whether or not she prefers to be taken to one of these restaurants that is popular and part of the scene, or if she’d rather be taken somewhere low-key.

Personally, I like to go somewhere that is less stuffy, and more casual. Especially on a first date. I like a relaxed atmosphere that doesn’t involve a lot of “which fork should I use for the appetizer?” questions. I am nervous enough, I don’t want my etiquette skills to be scrutinized on a first date. But I also don’t want to go somewhere that is super loud. I went to a brewery on a first date a few months ago and while I normally love the brewery we went to, it was annoying because we sat at the bar and I could barely hear. I left with a sore throat because I was fighting to speak at an audible volume and there is a lot to say on a first date.

Sushi seems to be a very trendy choice right now. I personally like sushi, but I feel like it’s starting to become a ‘old stand-by’ for men. By simply choosing sushi they seem to be making a trendy choice that makes them appear cultured and smart. Please. They serve sushi at the grocery store now!

 

Annoying Shit Couples Do


I’ll be the first to admit that I can be judgemental, especially towards couples.  But sometimes I think it’s important to embrace what you are and carefully evaluate what you want to be when the time comes.  So, as a single person, I’m here to tell you about all the absolutely annoying shit couples do, and what I don’t want to be when I am no longer the “bitter single” Blonde that I am today.  I’ll freely tell you now that when I was in a relationship I was probably guilty of some of these things but….I’m really, really sorry, society!  Anyway, here’s a quick list for your amusement. 

Annoying Shit Couples Do 

 10. Planned girl nights/guy nights–I hate things that aren’t organic, especially when it comes to friendships. If you have to designated a specific night of the month that is appropriate to do something with me, I don’t want your pity party. Be strong enough in your relationship to know that a spontaneous Wednesday off from one another isn’t going to kill everything. I realize schedules are difficult to work out. I realize it’s hard to tear yourselves away from one another. But girls night? Guys night? What happened to living? And to make it worse after ever guy night/girl night there has to be this fantastic date night reunion, wherein you go to dinner and advertise it to everyone that you’re on a date. 

 9. Sit together when they shouldn’t–a follower on twitter recently called this the “two headed captain”, and what we’re referring to is when a couple sits at a booth or table on the same side…without anyone on the other side! I’ll also throw in those who ride in a truck and scoot over to the middle. I realize you value your time together, but are you really so absolutely thrilled to be together that you can’t sit across from one another at a dinner table? It makes me highly uncomfortable and you won’t ever catch me doing this.

8. Promise you’ll find someone awesome–It’s all well and good, and I definitely believe it, but please don’t throw your relationship up in my face as proof that I’ll find someone totally awesome that just completes me and makes life worth living. Because, if you’re doing anything else on this list, chances are, the fact that you tell me one day I’ll have everything you’ve got will just make me cry.

7. Mentally check out–I find it annoying when you’re doing something with a friend and they’re mentally absent from the activity. There is nothing more annoying than going somewhere with the intent to spend time with a friend and they’re so miserable that they either occupy themselves by texting their S.O. the entire duration or mope around missing the person. Listen, I’ve been in love. I dated someone for six years. I missed him, but I also missed my friends and quality time with them. When I did take time away from The Boyfriend, I wanted to be mentally engaged in my activity, since I didn’t usually spend time out! I sometimes wish friends who pull the texting stunt would just stay home. I’d rather you be one of those people who ditch me for the S.O. than to come out and spend your time scheming to get back.

6. Fight–It’s funny to have a disagreement. I’m the world’s worst. But when it’s something that goes on and was totally out of line, it makes every in the room want to crawl into the closet, suck their thumb, and rock. If your S.O. is too drunk, too flirty, or otherwise out of line, please…correct him or her out of my sight and earshot. If it’s going to be a knock down, drag out…and let’s be frank, you know when you’re starting that one, take it to the house.

5. Nicknames–The occasional nickname is fine. But have you ever met a couple who quite literally refuse to refer to one another by their given names? After about 10 minutes it gets unnerving. It’s especially amusing if they insist on keeping up with the nickname calling even when they’re arguing. “But, SNOOKUMS, I said the rent is too damn high.”

4. Matching T-shirts–somehow I see this way more often than I really should. Maybe it’s because I live near the world’s trashiest (and yet most scenic!) tourist trap. Airbrushed shirts that say things like “Jimmy’s girl” and “Donna’s man” with a mountain scene or a Camaro in the background have got to go.

3. ambush you–We’ve all been there. I’d venture to say we’ve all done it. But please, please, please tell me you realized almost immediately it was wrong. A friend, maybe a girl friend or a guy friend, invites you somewhere. Let’s say…drinks, a movie, whatever. You agree, and when you show up, suddenly you’re blind-sided that their S.O. is at the table or in the theatre. You’re instantly the third wheel and you didn’t even see it coming. Listen, I know sometimes you need to bring your S.O. and I know sometimes it’s hard to ask your friend because you know they’ll back out if they’re a third wheel. But buck up and at least give your friend the heads up. Trust me when I say this–we need mental time to prepare ourselves to be the third wheel. I’ll still come on the outing, but I want to be prepared for having to sit on the end and not have anyone to partner with on the 2 for $20. Also, I will ask for forgiveness for this one. Because before I became The Blonde, I was The Girlfriend and I was the world’s WORST for toting The Boyfriend everywhere. Oops.

2. Become couple exclusive–while we’re on the subject of third wheels, how annoying is it when couples start becoming couple exclusive? Couple exclusive=hanging out with other couples. If you happen to be one of the misfortunate friends who isn’t coupled up, then you are forgotten. Because you’d end up being the third wheel. I’m not sure if they do this because they don’t want to make you feel bad, or if your third wheel-ness bothers them. Food for thought.

1. Make you choose when it’s over–I find it ironic that some couples can be annoying even after they’re not couples any more. You’ve been there. There is a break up, it’s sort of unclear who you were friends with, but it becomes pretty clear they expect you to only be friends with one of them. Now you’ve got a choice to make. Tradition dictates that you go with whomever you were friends with first. But what if you met them as a couple? Well, it gets more complicated. Now you’ve got a real choice to make. Usually they’ll each try to get to you, explain their side of the story. And what’s more annoying than having to hear the same story, from two perspectives? It’s double boring, usually. Usually couples will pick the dumped rather than the dumper. Single folks pick their own gender. If you’re me, you quit talking to both of them.

This is just a short list of the many, many ways couples annoy me as a single person. I fully acknowledge that I, when in a relationship, have been guilty of every single item on the list. Except the airbrushed shirts. I’ve never stooped that low. Ooh, and the booth thing. That creeps me out. Feel free to list some of your annoyances in the comments. I think this is a list I’ll keep adding to. That is, until I hit the couple stage again. And then it’s back to putting my hand in your back pocket as we walk down the street. Which, incidentally, is number 11 on the list.

TBLTB Presents: Freedom Friday, Insurance Edition


Today is the last day for open enrollment for a new insurance program at work. We’re being required to switch to a higher priced program this year, and we had several choices.  Some choices involved making an agreement to reach certain health goals for a discounted (that is still more expensive than our current plan).  And of course, varying doctors participate in various programs and are not included in others. 

It’s been a stressful decision for me, actually.  I know that whatever I chose will affect me, good and bad.  It h as been a challenge to research what doctors I currently use, what I am willing and able to do to keep on the “partnership” plan to receive the discount, and determining my ability to reach a deductible.  The wrong choice would mean disaster, I suppose.

Pricing are rising, coverage is falling.  And the plan I chose requires that you meet certain health criteria or face losing your cheaper coverage.  If you have a spouse or child, they also have to meet these requirements or the entire family is moved to the more expensive, but less coverage, insurance option. 

So, today I am thankful to be single because the choice only affects me.  I do not have to worry about a spouse or child to cover on this insurance.  The choice I make will only affect my health.  I only have to worry about affording something for me.  And I control my health.  Only me.  Just me.  What I eat, when I exercise.  It affects me and ONLY  me, and only I can do something positive to influence this or negative to detract from it.

I see people around me figuring out how to cover this spouse and children with good health coverage that is affordable.  And I see the look of panic, the look of confusion on their face.  So, for now at least, I am in control of me.  And only me.  And sometimes, that freedom is pretty good.  I am making choices for myself, and even if they are the wrong choices, the only person who has to live with it…is ME!

Sexy Princess


I was invited to a Halloween Party by a friend this week.  I’m excited to go, but I’m facing the age-old question of “what to wear”.  Now, I face this dilemma just about any time that I go anywhere.  But I find Halloween compounds the problem because it’s actually a situation where you could, potentially, wear anything.

Unfortunately, for most girls, Halloween is actually just an excuse to wear a “sexy” costume.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out why it’s popular to pick a story book character, cut the skirt in half and put the thigh-highs on and bam! instant costume.  Alice in Wonderland, Dorothy Gale from Kansas. Snow White, Cinderella.  They’re all made into “adult” costumes that are then re-named Sexy Alice.  Sexy Dorothy. And of course it doesn’t stop there.  Sexy cop, sexy fire fighter, sexy doctor, sexy nurse, sexy teacher.  And it’s all the same.  Sure the costume changes.  But the elements are all the same.  Short skirt, thigh high stockings. 

I find it boring.  If you go to a bar on Halloween, the costumes all have different names and identities but look like carbon copies.

And I am not even complaining about the fact that girls choose to dress in a scanty manner or choose to wear less clothing on Halloween.  I think that’s fine.  It’s a night of revelry and inhibitions.  A night made to be something you normally aren’t.  Go wild, have fun.  But can we at least be creative, girls?

Instead of going to Party City and Target and buying the packaged costume that shows off your boobies, can you at least think of something funny, socially relevant, or clever–and still show off your boobs?

I know what you’re thinking..that takes time and effort, both of which you’re usually short on.  But riddle me this, dear readers, how are men managing to come up with clever costumes that are original, amusing, and not just a giant banana suit? Last year I saw some of the best costumes ever–made on the cheap, and made by hand by men.  Someone was dressed as the Pope, another man had on a very elaborate but homemade King Tut suit, and the winner of best costume (in my humble opinion) was the man in silver paint with a blow up doll tied to himself, upside down–a STRIPPER POLE! Ahh, the creativity. More than half of the men I saw were wearing self created costumes, using either store bought elements combined in an unusual way, or simply using materials from their home. Very, very rarely did you see a man wearing a costume that was sold at a party store.  Women, on the other hand, were completely the opposite.

I am brainstorming for a great costume this year.  Last year, mine was particularly clever, as were most of my female friends.  I went as Miss Diagnosed, a nod to the Miss South Carolina debacle and a play on words. I had very messy, tearful make up and a giant pink prom dress with a crown and sceptre.  If I’ve mentioned this before, it’s because I’m so proud of my costume, the attention it received, and the fact that it didn’t come out of a package.  My other friends were Hester Prynne (really pregnant!), a flapper, and a dress made of a Twister mat and board. Clever.  And the bonus was you could weed out bad men by who laughed at Hester or seemed appreciate of our costumes, sans thigh high stockings.

All I’m asking is for some effort, ladies. It’s not much of a challenge to buy a costume designed to inspire thoughts of sex.  Get creative. Have fun. Be sexy. Be clever. It’s possible to be both. Wear thigh highs that you bought separately!

What’s In A Date


The Real World
Image via Wikipedia

I spend a lot of my time comparing how this ‘real world’ living stacks up to college life.  It has now been about 3 years since I was in college as an undergraduate.  It’s been a harsh adjustment in some ways. I still wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting from a dream where I walk into a final of a class I’ve never even been in.  I miss college.  Life was easy, government subsidized scholarships paid your bills.  Someone was always next door, ready to chat.  And it was much easier to meet eligible bachelors in your age demographic.

I think one of the most interesting ways I’ve found difficulty in adapting back to non-university life has been dating.  Aside from the fact that it is, indeed, hard to find someone to actually go on a date with, it’s also difficult to get used to the ‘real world’ concept of dating.

Dating in college is particularly interesting, in that to the untrained eye it might be entirely absent.  But to the familiar observer, it’s there, just in a much different form.

First and foremost, very rarely do dates start off with a boy dropping by to pick you up.  Most dates, especially first dates in college, involve coming in packs and meeting up at a specific party, bar, or function.  Girls come with a group of girls come with their crew, and you meet at said location.  Imagine my shock when I read Patti Stanger’s book and it said “Those who travel in packs never attract!” ..say what?!

It’s also important to mention that, due to a general lack of funds, most dates are more likely to be ‘hanging out’.  This means you probably meet at said party or bar, pay your cover, and get a drink before meeting inside.  Only after a few of these meet ups are you likely to be taken to dinner alone and have it paid for. Continuing with the general lack of funds theme, there is a lot of watching movies and TV in someone’s dorm or apartment.  Someone is usually invited over to watch a popular TV show or take in a rented movie. 

It’s worth mentioning the fact that the ‘hook up’ or having sex happens fairly early in a college relationship.  Aside from the obvious hormones that come into play when you pile a bunch of nearly teenagers in one place with late nights and open rooms…I think there is also a sense of security that comes about in college, whether it’s right or not.  You tend to live in a smaller bubble, you trust fellow students more easily, and the real world inhibitions toward quick-sex generally fly out the window.  I’m not sure what an average waiting period is for sex in college, but I’m going to guess that it’s at least half of what someone ‘in the real world’ might consider a good idea. 

Real world dating seems formal, in my opinion.  It is very much about networking, then getting together after meeting at a restaurant or bar in order to chat more.  There is no casual time of meeting up somewhere, mingling together with a group, and then choosing whether or not to hang out alone in the future.  It may take months for you to meet a prospective partner’s friends.  So a lot of the ‘get to know you’ time is spent one on one, which I feel is really pressured. 

Real world dating also has that awkward ‘when to have sex’ question that seems to be a lot more casual and relaxed in college.  Real world sex seems to dictate that you wait longer, which is great with me, but I actually think the fact that you do wait and have to determine when its right makes it potentially more awkward.  It’s a game of timing, and I hate playing games like that.

I guess college dating is just casual. Or maybe it’s just what I’m more accustomed to.  I am sure I can get used to dating in the real world, because I don’t honestly see that changing much in the near future. This is just another instance where I feel ill-prepared for the real world. College dating, to me, is more comfortable.  It takes a lot of maturity to date in the real world, it seems.  Maybe it’s just a learning curve and eventually I’ll get there. 

Do you see any difference in college vs. real world dating? Do you prefer one or the other?

Q&A Tuesday: You’re My Best Friend With Benefits


Cover the eyes of small children, and step outside if you’re squeamish.  This week we’re talking friends with benefits.  FWBs if you will.

 Most every Tuesday I answer questions submitted by readers on my formspring.me account.  I invite questions or insight anonymously on the site and answer them in a post the following week. Submit your questions for next week’s edition by clicking this link.  Link opens in a new window.

An anonymous user from formspring.me/theblondexoxo says:

What are your thoughts on friends with benefits?

Interesting question.  And definitely one that I consider more often than I should.  It may confuse many readers to hear that I definitely have had a couple of FWBs myself.  Once in high school (oops) and one in the last couple of years.  One ended because I got into a long-term relationship, and we remain casual friends today (casual because we are aware of our past and he is married) and the other ended because I grew attached after a series of unfortunate misunderstandings wherein I’m not sure either of us knew what we wanted.

Most people wonder why a FWB situation would be ideal.  To this I say…sometimes circumstances just aren’t going to work out.  Time, distance, whatever…it’s just not going to make a relationship.  And sometimes you’re friends with someone and you want to have sex.  In fact, I’d say most of the time if you’re in a cross gender friendship, you want to have sex.  Now, if you’ve got that sexual attraction, and you realize it’s never going to work out, but you’re still curious, what are you to do?  Sometimes, FWB scratches the itch.  

I definitely think FWBs can work, but there are important elements that have to be present in a successful FWB situation. First, you should be friends.  I think there is a difference between FWB and hook ups.  Hook ups occur between people who aren’t really friends.  FWBs are two people, in my opinion, who know one another well and have a strong sexual attraction but no desire to work out a relationship.  Having this friendship present, to me, always makes it better.  There is a sexual energy and attraction, and I find that it’s always easier to have great sex with someone you’re comfortable with.

Second, I think it’s important to be realistic.  If you have any inkling at all that you’re looking for a relationship with this person rather than just remaining friends who have hooked up, then you cannot (it bears repeating–CANNOT!) be FWB.  Why not?  Because you’ll both end up resenting one another.  The one with feelings will resent the person because they’ll feel used and toyed with.  The person without feelings will resent the “feeler” because they’re putting pressure in a place they agreed it wouldn’t be.  A world of resentment can be opened up if the terms are not agreed upon prior to the first encounter.

In the same vein, if you are in a FWB situation and someone begins to develop feelings, at any moment, it’s important to let the other person know.  I realize that it may be awkward, and you may feel guilty for ‘back tracking’ on an agreement, but by letting the person know that your feelings are in jeopardy, they can evaluate their own feelings.  Then, if they choose to stop, your feelings are saved.  They didn’t disregard you, they carefully evaluated the situation and you both made the best choice possible.  Honesty is always the best policy, but it’s absolutely pertinent in this situation. 

That might mean you only hook up once.  It might mean you keep something up for a long time.  As long as you are communicating what you are feeling, I think it’s fine.  Being open is essential.  If you’re not ready to say “Hey, sorry, I’m just not that into you”, you definitely aren’t ready to hook up with a friend. 

I think you’ve got to agree up front the terms.  Is this a one time deal? Are we going to be friends after this? Can we joke with others about this, or is this a secret?  Do you have any feelings for me beyond the friendship?  Do I need to call you tomorrow?  I realize sometimes moments just happen, so if you can’t agree to these beforehand, maybe get up the nerve to ask your friend after the incident.  Just to clear the air, and ensure that the friendship remains in tact. 

I think it’s important to note that not many of these situations pan out to real relationships.  If you’re thinking that this is something that will make a guy or girl more interested in you, you’re probably off base and shouldn’t try this.  If you’re looking for a commitment I suggest you get that first before having sex.

However, if you’re friends with someone, have a sexual energy, realistically have a grip on your feelings, AND this is something you’re interested in, have a talk with your friend. Agree to some ground rules.  But always, always, always go with your gut instinct.  If you’re at all wondering if you have feelings beyond a sexual attraction, opt OUT of the FWB.  Save yourself the misery that comes from unrequited love. And remember, never tell someone something if you think it’s what they want to hear.  This goes for FWB, significant others, friends, random people on the street.

So, FWB.  Would I do it? Yeah. Especially right now.  I am not sure where I’m going in life, not sure what the future holds.  If I found someone I was friends with and sexually attracted to, I’d find myself considering the FWB.  But not at all if I thought my heart was involved.   

Just my two cents. Take it for what it’s worth, y’all!

Side note, where did this term come from?