Cheating Yourself

I definitely have done the unthinkable. I’ve cheated.

I hesitate even speaking those words out loud, mostly because I realize that the very instance that phrase is aired, I become unattractive and undateable. Men are instantly untrustworthy and not worth the risk if I see that they’re cheaters…how hypocritical, huh?

Honestly, I’m not here to write another blog detailing the excuses for why women cheat and what you can give her to prevent it. Go Google for yourself and see the unreasonable excuses some people want to lay out for being unfaithful.

Trust me when I say some men and some women could have all the sex and love and support in the world and they’d still cheat. Because I had a good amount of all of it and I still formed an emotional bond with another person that lead to something more. All because I was unsatisfied with something. Sure, at first it’s easy to use an old stand-by excuse. “He’s not attracted to me”…”We don’t have sex anymore.” “He’s never home.” But it’s all just words. Words to make it okay, words to make it easier to keep going.

I am speaking from experience when I say that some women definitely cheat from a lack of something but it’s not typically something their partner can give more of. It’s a lack of self-esteem and a presence of entitlement. I feel bad about myself or my relationship and I feel entitled to love an attention at any expense, including the feelings of my partner. Yeah, there is some dissatisfaction present. And it manifests itself as unsatisfying sex lives, less “love” in general, whatever else you want to call it. Or maybe you want to pull the “underappreciated” card, that’s always popular and makes you feel good. Hey, I love being a martyr. What can I say?

But the truth is the dissatisfaction that is present is a dissatisfaction with yourself. The love is there, but it’s never enough to satisfy you. Because you really can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself. Something will always be askew. So you finally get fed up with feeling bad all the time and you decide to give in to your selfish desires, the whim that cries “ME! ME! ME!”. You decide that you’re entitled to feel good enough and how else can you get there? Run off and find yet another person (that isn’t you!) to tell you how great you are at love/sex/being great. You could collect them like stamps, one by one, together or singularly, but from my experience it won’t make a real different, won’t feel any better, until you realize that the problem isn’t their love for you…it’s your love for yourself.

It’s not a pretty trait to have, this sense of entitlement. It’s basically being selfish enough to say whatever I need comes before whatever you need…every single time. It’s actually a pretty harsh reality and one that you either can’t admit to at the time, or formulate elaborate explanations for why it’s there, just so you can rest at night. Or maybe that was just me.

I still actually hate that I cheated. I hate a lot of things about that time period. I hate that it was emotional and physical. Some people want to say emotional cheating is worse, others say physical cheating is the killer…I think it probably varies from person to person just which one disgusts them the most. They’re both wrong. I hate that it went on for so very long. And I absolutely positively hate that I was a liar. I told terrible lies and didn’t care if they were believable or not. I had an utter disregard for another person’s emotional well-being. Even at the time, I repulsed myself. Now that I see what I was doing, the guilt trip is even stronger.

This is a revelation that actually terrifies me. Now that I have realized that the problem–the inadequacies–laid (lay?) within myself rather than the relationship, I worry that it wasn’t a problem that can easily go away with a new partner. On the one hand, I’m on the solo journey of discovery, but on the other hand….what if I’m a serial cheater? While I’m certain that it was my fault I cheated…I’m still not sure what was the catalyst. Why didn’t I love and value myself? Did I feel inferior? Was it an example of a commitment-phobia? Maybe I truly am always looking for the “next best thing”. And no matter what it is…how can I fix it? I desperate want…actually NEED…to fix whatever glitch came up in my system. I do not want to be a cheater. But I’m not sure what to do to make sure it never happens again. Besides promise myself it won’t. But I always find my own promises the easiest to break.

I hate to leave this blog open without a heartwarming closer that ties it all together and makes it all better, but there’s nothing I can do. It’s a fear that still plagues me in the dark of night and the smallest of hours. Will I be better next time? Do I even deserve another chance? I guess we’ll just have to see, won’t we? That’s the hardest part…having faith in myself! I’ve already betrayed my own trust.



2 thoughts on “Cheating Yourself

  1. You seem pretty well aware of why you cheated, and how you might possibly “fix” that. (Loving yourself and all). I would say that within acceptance of truth, or the realization of “why”, that would then determine the course of action for the rest of your journey.
    The most meaningful relationship we’ll ever have is with ourselves. At the end of the day, that’s who we’re left with.

    I hope everything works out for you.

  2. I always said that I would never date a cheater. Once a cheater, always a cheater is what I’d say. About 4 months into my relationship with my bf, he told me he had cheated on his ex-wife and that was what ended their marriage. Nowadays, I think what is most important is whether or not he’s changed since then. Addressed the wrongs and grown from the experiences.

    I think you are definitely on the right track by addressing that you had a problem and admitting that you were at fault. It is definitely great that you are working towards improving and loving yourself. Best of luck!

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