I know it’s wrong, but I definitely use Facebook to measure my life against other ‘peers’ my age. It’s an easy trap to fall into, actually…it’s an instant case study of a group of similar aged individuals, with similar upbringings and education, all there for your scrutiny. Who’s married, who’s parenting, who’s doing something, who’s doing nothing. Most of the time I walk away with the feeling that I’m pretty much average. There are those with more, and those with less, and I’m there in the middle.
It’s the same thing with exes. It’s easy to look at their progress or lack thereof since your departure and you can determine if you’re ahead, behind, or neck-in-neck.
It’s been frustrating me, lately, that I am losing the race. My long-term boyfriend that I dated through high school and college (The Boyfriend, if you’ve been reading..)…has definitely moved on in the two years following our split. He’s been in a long term relationship for at least 18 months. He may still occasionally need to know what I’m doing but for all intents and purposes, he’s moved on.
And then The Friend…he’s moved on over and over and over in the last little bit that we haven’t been speaking. That’s not usual for him. He usually lines them up three deep as a backup. But I’ve had to see it more lately, as I sit there in my season ticket seats every Saturday, three sections over from him. I guess it bothers me that he fills my seat so easily, and I really don’t have anyone to fill his.
It’s not as though I try to seek out this information. I’m an odd girl in that I don’t want to know the details. I stay away from The Boyfriend on Facebook as much as I can; my profile is super private and I’ve blocked him from showing up in anything like mutual friends (2 years ago, the last time I could check, we had 89 friends in common). But it’s natural, I suppose, to see that I have no replacements and everyone else seems to have moved on with their lives and relationships.
I wonder, a lot, if either of them notes that I haven’t moved on. I wonder if either of them thinks I got what I deserve, or if they’re smug about it. Maybe they don’t care. But I can’t help but assume that they do, occasionally, measure their own lives just like I measure mine.
It’s been bothering me this week, this lack of progress. That’s what it feels like, at least. That I haven’t moved on, that I’m incapable of moving on. And I hate, hate, hate, feeling like they’re beating me.
I know it’s particularly petty, but..it’s just what I’m feeling. Not everything about being single is a party, but sometimes it’s a pity party.