Wow. After my Instalanch, I’m surprised and pleased at the amount of readers I’ve had drop by my place here! It’s certainly been exciting and made me realize so much more is possible than the small dream I’ve been dreaming over here. But maybe the most suprising aspect of the influx here has been the amount of men commenting on my blog.
I love it, to be sure. I love feedback of any kind, positive, negative, or neutral. But I want you to know that I am a woman and all I have ever experienced is…being a woman. So it’s hard for me to write anything here that encourages you from the men’s prospective. I think ultimately this is okay for both of us. I’d like for you to come here, listen to what I have to say, and then let me know what you think. I’m glad you’re here reading, no matter who you are.
In my earlier post, I encouraged women to get off their high horse and accept men for what they are and what they can be–normal. I think, from reading the comments, that some of you get the impression that I am encouraging perfect women to take just whatever comes their way. Believe me when I say that I completely understand that I, nor any other woman I know, is perfect. I completely understand that someone, someday, is going to have to set all my weaknesses aside and decide that I am ‘enough’ to settle down with. I totally get that.
My aim, though, is to take my past errors with men, and not repeat them. I don’t ever want anyone to settle for me because of the reasons they have in the past. I’m going to be super honest with you–there were a lot of things I didn’t like about myself, for whatever reason, when I was in a relationship. It was true in both the long term one and The Friend. My goal in this interim is to realize what happened and consciously work to never be That Girl again.
What makes a woman 10,000 kinds of irresistible to you? I’m not talking looks at all, I’m talking personality. If you could make a list of things that are personality-driven and unappealing in a woman, I think my relationship ended with me possessing every single one of them. I don’t ever want to be there again.
I was needy, but not in the traditional way. No, it wasn’t traditional neediness, wherein I called just ‘to check’ or obsessively checking my voicemail. It wasn’t that simple. It was neediness where I clung to stupid, stupid things like seeing how often someone said “I love you” and whether or not they said it as we went to bed. How many nights I spent awake, angry because there wasn’t an “I love you” in return. Of course, my need to know exactly where The Friend was sprung from insecurity. And it manifested in making sure he was at my house, every night, from dinner until midnight, to ensure he wasn’t doing anything else. Incidentally, that prevented nothing. And the silent temper tantrums that sprang from any situation that was out-of-the-ordinary with The Friend and our nightly routine are not things I’m proud to say I’ve done in my life. I was immature in the face of an immature relationship. I can tell you that I never want to be needy again. I never want to settle for a relationship that goes to bed without saying I love you, but beyond that I never want to feel like I have to be right on top of someone all day long just to make sure they’re where they say they are. I am more independent now than ever. I’m ready to be fabulous and not stalk someone down via text message.
I was never secure in any relationship either. I saw every woman as a threat, even with The Boyfriend who I’m fairly certain would have always come back home to me. I didn’t want to be next to any girls because it would just point out how I wasn’t as pretty, as skinny, as fun. Being next to any girl reminded me that I was a bitter, needy, insecure girl. So I avoided other women like the plague and had very few friends. I was jealous and catty, and for every time I had cause to be concerned, I can recall 200 situations where I shouldn’t have been jealous and I was. I felt deficient and less than. And I never, ever want to feel that way again. Part of the past two years I’ve spent working on mysef have shown me just how independent I can be. It has proved to myself that I am self-sufficient and more than enough for me, and can be for someone else too. I feel prettier in my mid twenties than I did at 16. I thinner now than ever. I have more confidence when I walk into a room. I’m almost excited to try out a relationship to see what it’s like not to have to constantly fear someone swooping in that’s more awesome than I am. Because I’m fairly awesome myself.
And bitter. Jeeze-Louise was I bitter. Conversations were nonexistent. Everything was a bitch fest of epic proportions about everything that was an injustice to me. But I think it was all repressed anger. In my situation, I was constantly angry with The Friend or The Boyfriend but it was never something I could express fully, mostly because I was being dishonest (look out next paragraph of problems!). The anger built up inside of me, turning me paranoid, bitter, and sarcastic in a way that was not at all funny. In a weird way, I was more bitter in a relationship that I’ve ever been as a single. But the good news is I’ve lightened up a lot, chemically speaking. WIth the help of medicine and a little dose of living with myself and being absolutely sick of the bitterness I exuded, I feel a lot better. And I work every day to speak of my past relationships in a realistic light that doesn’t cast anyone as a bad person. Though it didn’t work out, I appreciate everything those relationships brought me because I’ve emerged on the other side a transformed person. True, occasionally I will make a quip about The Boyfriend, but I honestly don’t mean it. I’m trying every day not to be bitter. I like this better, this non-bitter life.
My final point for this post is the dishonest attitude I adopted. I became the queen of half-truths and white lies. I was telling a whopper too, and I never want to be that person again. I never want to cause that sort of pain in anyone’s life again. I am ashamed of what I did and why I did it. But I was young and selfish and lucky me for me, I believe in forgiveness. And while I don’t think that The Boyfriend will ever truly forget or forgive, I think he’s in a happy enough place to see he’s better off without me. And I have moved on enough to admit that I was stupid and it doesn’t have to happen again. And part of me feels like the dishonesty came from a really weird place. The other day The Friend asked me a question, and I answered it honestly, and he quit responding to me. And the memory rushed back to me. I was never honest with him because he didn’t want me to be. Honesty made him so very uncomfortable that I learned what was okay to tell the truth on, and what was unacceptable. I dislike that version of myself so much. I can’t tell you how often I look back at myself in that situation and regret being that gross person. I was a liar. The one thing I hated the most. Ugh.
Now, I’m not saying that The Boyfriend or The Friend made me this way. I’m saying being in a relationship and being under the age of 30 probably caused all this. It’s hard to function in a relationship when you’re immature and dealing with other issues of growing older. Of course, I let myself turn into a monster. But the relationship itself was pushing me there. I’m certainly not blaming The Boyfriend for my jealous streak, but I’m saying that I looked at who I turned into from 16 until twenty *cough* and saying, “Wow, I didn’t like that ‘me'”.
The good news is, I suppose, that I get what was wrong. I get what I was. I get why I don’t want that. And I promise, to you readers, but mostly to myself, that I won’t become that person again. No matter who comes along, no matter how badly I want something to work out. I promise to come back to this post and remember that first and foremost I want to be honest, independent, and happy. I want to be vivacious. And who’s ever called a lying, needy, bitter old-young-woman vivacious?
So here’s to growing up and learning from my mistakes. To realizing that I am human, and that anybody I date is human too. Nobody is perfect, and especially not me.
Thanks for reading. Double kisses! xoxo The Blonde.