Making Love To You Was Never Second Best

For whatever reason–maybe because I’m writing a blog now, maybe because being single has become my signature problem–the ladies in my office often bring articles to my attention that deal with being single.  The latest one caused an office discussion that, as usual, landed me on the opposite side of the popular opinion.

An article in The Atlantic debates the age old question:  is it better to settle or be alone? The author and I agree–SETTLE!

Now hold on before you get your feminist panties in a proverbial twist, hear me out.  I’m not saying you should run out and grab the first thing with a penis and slap a wedding ring on it.  I’m saying…if you’ve got a good thing going, let your heart give in to it.  Out rule your head for once, ladies.  If you’re in your late twenties, and you’ve been dating someone for more than a year and it’s good, then go for it! Marry him, have your babies, and be happy.

As girls we’re constantly told to be independent, live our lives as we want to, and don’t let a man hold us back.  But don’t we also, as independent ladies, desire a partnership? A marriage? A family? True, it’s simple to have a family without a husband.  I don’t know about all of you, but for me, I’d like to have a family that has two parents. I’m looking for a partnership when it comes right down to it.  Someone who shares the same values as I do, who wants to raise children to be better people in this crazy world. At the core of everything, I want someone who wants to work with me. And in the end, looks..charismatics…dates…it’s all whatever, to me.  I’m looking for a partner to share all these things with me.

So the gist of this article, to me, is that once you’ve found someone good enough, don’t keep looking.  Don’t dismiss your boyfriend because he isn’t ‘romantic’, don’t run from a date because there is no ‘spark’.  All of these buzz words are just that–buzz words.  What do they really mean, anyway? And will you be sure when you find it? Who honestly knows. The point is that real, lasting relationships aren’t full of stand-outside-your-bedroom-with-a-boombox moments.  They’re filled with real moments of kindness, of gratitude.  So just because nobody’s written a song about you lately doesn’t mean they don’t love your, or can’t love you in the future.

And if you don’t act now, what’s going to be left isn’t going to be that exciting.  Divorced men with children who hate you, the perpetual bachelor that is reluctant to settle, the man with mommy issues…the list goes on and on.

I guess what really changed my mind about this article was the thought it sparked within me.  Life isn’t a fairytale.  Men don’t come in and sweep you off your feet.  Real life is just that…real.  There are good times and bad times in a partnership.  Sometimes you’re close, sometimes you’re drifting.  But if you always come back to square one, then it’s okay.  And I’m not saying you should marry your douche bag boyfriend who doesn’t listen, or the guy that keeps asking you out but you’re reluctant to date.  I’m saying, when you find that someone who makes you happy, who treats you right, and who wants the same things you do…don’t dismiss it.  Take a genuine look at what you have.  And then take the leap.  Leave the Mommy-Issue-Divorcees to people like me.  Of course, if I had learned this lesson before now, I wouldn’t be settling.  Ironic, isn’t it?

27 thoughts on “Making Love To You Was Never Second Best

  1. I have a problem with calling it “settling”. What your talking about it consciously choosing someone to spend time/have a relationship/partnership with. If you are spending time with that person, getting to truly know them, finding common ground in life, leaving yourself vulnerable and being open about who you really are, that is not settling. That is being authentic and truthful and expecting the same in return. I’m not sure what the word is but I think of it as a conscious decision. Settling sounds too much like giving up and invalidating yourself.

  2. I just wish my first wife would’ve have seen this post. Marraige is a compromise between two people. We each get what we want from it…love, security, passion, etc.

    You can only get if you give.

  3. Wish my ex-girlfriend would have seen this before she broke up with me because-and I quote- there was no “spark”. Which, of course, was BS. There was a spark, it’s that she just refused to let it grow. The good thing is, after a lot of soul searching, I now recognize that she was the one with the issues, not me. (Of course, the fact that she was 25 and still thinks of her knight in shining armor accounts for that.) Thanks for writing this.

  4. Especially since the spark/romance/knight issues have a good chance of being tied in to whatever pathologies you have and lead you to people who aren’t good for you.

    For guys and the damsel/excitement issues, same thing. Those are evolutionary responses designed for ancestors who might not live to be 30.

    1. I like your perspective 🙂

      I certainly am not excluding men or women in this scenario. I think both genders have unrealistic expectations AND have shortcomings. But maturity can correct both situations and make it a partnership.

      Thanks for reading!
      xoxo The Blonde.

  5. -“I’m not saying you should run out and grab the first thing with a penis and slap a wedding ring on it.”

    Thank God. I don’t want anyone slapping ANYTHING on my penis, let alone a wedding ring.

  6. Pretty funny premise–that women need to “settle” cuz it’s the guys that have all the issues, huh?

    More likely it’s all the media preaching that women can have it all–independence, education, career, swear-like-a-truck-driver, and screw like Casanova–but then “settle” for a guy that will father your babies. Yeah, maybe men have issues after all: they’re not interested in marrying women that have been out riding the cock carousel.

    1. I fully admit my (and other women my age) shortcomings! Be sure, someone will have to ‘settle’ for me too. But….this cock carousel sounds pretty fun and I’m wondering how to get on it!

      Thanks for your comment, even if it made me feel a bit of an asshole.

      Xoxo The Blonde.

  7. Don’t settle. Ever.
    Apparently my wife ‘settled for me’ and now, after 20 years of marriage, moved out and is now living with her old fiancee from 22 yrs ago. She can’t or won’t give me a reason- ‘you’re a really great guy and have been a good husband and father, I wish I could give you a reason but the feelings are gone’.

    Of course, this has been extremely hard on the kids. (~11, ~13, and ~18) who see her as having dumped them to shack up with someone from 20 yrs ago. She readily gave me full custody since she doesn’t really want them over there with her and him. They put it as, “Dad, we’re no priority to her, we’re number 4 behind him, cigarettes, her job, her car. How can a Mom make some guy from 20 years ago more important than her own kids?”
    I don’t really have an answer for them, but I would urge anyone thinking they’re ‘settling’ that it’s time to find the right person so you don’t end up where my wife is 20+ years later.

    1. I’m sorry to hear about all that has happened, for both you and your children. To be sure, it isn’t easy. And I’m not an expert. But it sounds to me like your wife is one of these bad women I’m blogging about–chasing a spark that isn’t real, waiting on the fairy tale. Her loss. It’s a sign of immaturity, if you ask me, no matter what age. And it seems to me that is also manifested in the fact that her children aren’t a priority.

      Again, I’m so sorry for your situation.

      Thanks for your honest comments.

      xoxo The Blonde..

      1. They are wonderful kids and wouldn’t be who they are without her influence. She was heavily involved in their lives- active in the PTA, volunteered at school, girl scout leader etc. A lot going on with her and I feel very sorry for her. I get to kiss the kids and tuck them in every night. Kiss them before going to work. She will be missing out on so much with them.
        Some of the things she said leading up to moving out related to perhaps now thinking she settled for me. It’s why I urge folks not to settle. I was honored and privileged to be married to who she was, it’s hard to hear the kids saying they can’t love ‘this her’ and wondering whether she now considers them to be mistakes.

  8. As a male in his mid-to-late 2os, let me say how much I hope and aspire to one day be Mr. Just-Good-Enough-My-Partner-Doesn’t-Want-To-Stab-Me-In-My-Sleep (or if she does, Mr. Just-Good-Enough-My-Partner-Doesn’t-ACTUALLY-Stab-Me-In-My-Sleep )….

    Funny how this is all one-way as well. Woe is the woman who has to ‘settle’ for the guy who treats her well, maybe has the ability to provide for a family (and the willingness to raise one). I guess were supposed to be honored just because of the fact that a woman deigned to have flawed, imperfect us? I’m looking for a partner that looks at me as an equal, not some puppy she got from the pound because she wasn’t able to find the Maltypoo she really wanted….

    1. I don’t think you got my point. It’s certainly not ‘woe is me’ for having to settle. It’s a good thing, because somebody settled for me too! And because it’s what I’m ultimately looking for–someone who treats me well, who wants a partnership. It’s a good thing. It’s the right thing. It’s not being a bitch because you didn’t buy a maltypoo. Which is disgusting also. 😉

      We’re saying the same things, just in different ways. And I appreciate you at least stopping to make a comment. Maybe you’ll keep reading and keep me honest? 🙂

      Xoxo The Blonde.

  9. Evidently, “settling” means accepting something short of total perfection, said perfection being based on some weird fairy tale or other. And it would seem to imply some sort of perfection on the part of the one “settling” wouldn’t it?

    Sheesh. I was asked some years ago what “the perfect woman” would look like, and I responded that I hadn’t considered it since I can’t imagine a perfect woman wanting to have much to do with me.

    Oddly enough, I managed to be found by a wonderful woman who didn’t care if I am or was perfect [nor has she tried in any real way to “perfect” me], and now we’ve been together 23 years and married 18 of them. I’m eternally grateful that she “settled” and that she has given me the opportunity to love her and enjoy her company.

  10. i saw your link on another blog. i’m no longer single but i certainly feel your frustration with regards to the office situation. as i have been there before…and i agree with you. finding someone who shares your values, wants the same things you want, etc…by current standards i guess really is settling. however i don’t feel that it is a negative thing at all. it is what it is. we’re human and we are all flawed…we will piss off our girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife (or both) depending on people’s lifestyle. hehe either way essentially it is about accepting the person for who they are in reality and loving them anyway.

    judging by some of the responses perhaps they didn’t really “get” your meaning. personally i think it could be a little projection about some shortcomings on their end. just an observation not trying to start a blog war if you will. to be fair i could be completely missing “it” myself. i guess just like anything we all interpret things differently based on where we are in our own lives.

  11. Dan Savage on “The Price of Admission”
    This is a great talk on what you mean–it isn’t that you have to settle, it’s that you can’t get rid of a perfectly decent mate for having a lack of fairytale qualities!
    (There may be a swear word or two!)

    Before I found my man, I had a whole list of qualities I thought I was looking for: well-read, well-educated, etc–and while he is those things in his own specialty areas, he’s much more of a visual and musical artist, not the wordsmith I’d imagined playing Scrabble with! But he’s sweet, caring, makes me laugh, and is so attentive to my wants and needs. We’re lucky to have found each other–we each have our strengths and weaknesses, and they are complementary. Plenty of joy and spark, too. 😉

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