This weekend has been one that’s afforded me much time to think. As per usual, I’ve thought too much, too often, about useless stuff. Nothing I can change, and probably nothing with much truth behind it..but I just can’t shake the thoughts this time.
Sometimes it feels like I’ve made a deal with the devil. See…I’ve left a huge part of who I am out of this blog. But its not something that I can ignore because it truly shapes who I am and have become. After the blow up with The Boyfriend two years ago, I lost a significant amount of weight, landing me somewhere around half the size of where I started. It’s great; I am a confident, pleasant person to be around now! I’m completely unlike anything I used to be, I’m in love with myself now, even. Chasing after dates is plausible and possible because of my new body and attitude. But part of being who I am now is having almost nothing left of my previous life. And knowing what I have wouldn’t have been possible with what I was working with then.
For some reason, this weekend, it has been a tough pill to swallow. Hindsight is 20/20, and seeing the great “me”–all healthy-minded and ready for a relationship–makes me want to try the old life (and relationship) again. It doesn’t help that TheBoyfriend has shared some friendly “hi I’m not mad at you” emails lately. I realize that this current “me” was created to rise from the ashes of the old “trainwreck me”. But I worry that I wished away my one shot at a fulfilling relationship for a hot new body and a shot of confidence. Now, most days I’m okay with the trade. But this weekend I feel guilty.
I don’t have a cute way to end this post. What if I DID make a deal with the devil to be a size 14? I shouldve gone smaller I guess.