Back on track

After much debate and hemming and hawing and a weekend illness, I think it’s time to refocus myself on my ultimate goal, which is not finding a boyfriend but going on dates in order to get to know more people, get to know my ‘dating self’ and ultimately try to pin down what I’m looking for.  So many distractions have come about since I began this quest–a wedding, a date, etc.  So here I am ready to refocus and re-energize myself in getting out there and meeting some new people!

The next step in my quest, according to Become Your Own Matchmaker by Patti Stanger is a step of visualization.  Hang with me here, and don’t roll your eyes. Visualization in the Millionaire Matchmaking world involves visualization of what you want in a mate based on your past relationships’ pros and cons.  This is actually something that makes sense to me.  On paper, in black and white, I can find patterns.  And the OCD in me loves a good pattern and a piece of paper with factual evidence I cannot deny.

The premise of this exercise seems simple–name the past 5 people you’ve dated, what you liked about them, and why it didn’t work out, and see if any patterns develop.  If there is a pattern, guess what! You have a type.  Voila.

Depressingly enough, I don’t really have five past boyfriends to go through and evaluate.  But I can think of three people–The Boyfriend, The Friend, and The One It Didn’t Work With.  And I think I’ll evaluate these people in a simple pro cons list and see what I come up with.

The Boyfriend–I dated him for 6 years (too long) and we actually lived together.  We met in high school, dated all through college, and about a year after we graduated.  We’ve been apart for two years, the break up was disgustingly bad, but I think I’m finally at a part in my life where I can name positive things about him and my relationship and truly mean them.  The best things about him? He was highly intelligent, and had the best sense of humor.  It was so similar to mine. We were interested in the same non-mainstream music….and he would have done anything for me.  Seriously, he did and would have done anything I asked him to do, eventually.  I think my best story of our relationship is the time that I was in a store, walking aimlessly, looking at clothing.  I couldn’t really figure out what was wrong, but when he looked at my face as we passed on either side of a rack he made eye contact with me.  “Are you cold? You’re making your cold face.”  I shook my head and immediately realized he was right, I was freezing.  And I had no idea.  He knew I was cold before I even knew it.  I think I felt bad for a very long time after that because I realized he could read my facial features so well, and I’m not sure I could do the same.  He certainly loved me probably more than I was capable of loving him, at the time.  I just wasn’t mature enough and I didn’t have a grip on myself. We had a past together, and I liked that. I liked having someone who knew me since I was 5, as it led to some sort of respect for my intelligence. And we liked to go to football games and knew all the same facts about football at our alma mater.

Of course, it wasn’t all roses.  There were some…not so positive sides of our relationship.  I was consistently frustrated by The Boyfriend’s behavior.  He was rude, sometimes to my parents, and could be selfish in a “take the biggest piece of cake for myself” way.  Sometimes his comedy and need to be the center of attention frustrated me. Okay more than sometimes.  He was cheap as hell, too.  I still scout out restaurant menus for the cheapest option, and promise to repay my parents if there is an upcharge to get a salad instead of fries, etc. He often got into fights at football games, too. Sometimes I felt like he settled for me, too.  I never want that again. He made me into a complainer, someone who had to constantly whine to get her way.  And whine when she didn’t get her way, and whine if she got someone to only compromise, etc. Nothing was ever good enough for me, even his love.  I was mean.  I was threatening. I don’t like looking back at myself on those days…

The Friend–seriously, how many more posts about him? I know you’re sick of hearing about him if I am sick of writing about him.  Suffice to say he had more bad points than good points, but honestly sometimes I still miss his good attributes.  He was funny, too.  So funny.  And we loved football.  And it was fun to chase him, which should be a con I think.  I will say honestly and frankly that the sex life I had with The Friend are still some of the best times in my life, and I worry that I won’t be able to match that with someone else.  He made me feel pretty, but for all the wrong reasons I guess.  He thought I was smart, and funny.  He liked inside jokes.  He could fix things! Ahhh, how I love a man who can fix things.  And ultimately I think he just wanted me to be what I was supposed to be–fabulous on my own.  At least I hope there is some of that goodness left inside of him…

Of course he was terrible for me.  I learned pretty quickly that he was always running from something.  He was incapable of fidelity.  And of telling the truth about anything, big or small.  He was always running a scam with money, usually my money I suppose.  He used me for all kinds of things…money, sex, support, and disguised it as “love”.  His temper was downright frightening and I will never again put up with the threats I was willing to listen to from The Friend. He made me into a bad person too.  I learned how to lie better from The Friend, and I ultimately did some things I’m not very proud of or willing to share on a dating blog. He turned me into a bad person that I didn’t recognize. I lost myself in him, somehow.  I guess the bottom line, the pro and the con all rolled into one, was that he was a piece of drama that kept my life “interesting”–in a bad, bad way.  It took me a long, long time to realize that you’re not supposed to be in a constant state of roller coaster.

And finally, for fun, The One Who Didn’t Work Out (But it would’ve been cool if they did)…why did I like them? He was funny, hilarious, and maybe even funnier than the other two.  A lover of inside jokes, who found potential in me even when I was down in the dumps and not full of much potential.  I appreciate this guy’s advice, but also appreciate that he knows I can’t resist some things.  I think our record collections match way too much.  I dunno, it was just nice to get the warm fuzzies over someone again that wasn’t The Boyfriend or The Friend.  And this person engages my need to argue and banter back and forth as much as the other two did, which I love.  We just had a lot in common which was unexpected, at least for me. I think it ultimately didn’t work out because of many factors…relationships I already had, that he already knew about…my lack of willingness to move on from my old ways, and probably my constant need for attention.  And as much as we had in common, I don’t think my pursuits are as intellectual as the One Who Got Away would need.  I watch too many reality shows and football games. But it’s okay, the best parts of this person still make me smile and it’s something I’ll keep looking for.

Alright, readers, I’ve bored with you 1,300 words about my past loves. I will post again this week about what I think I’m looking for.  Any words of wisdom for me while I sit down and evaluate?


2 thoughts on “Back on track

  1. Concerning ” He made me into a complainer, someone who had to constantly whine to get her way. And whine when she didn’t get her way, and whine if she got someone to only compromise, etc. Nothing was ever good enough for me, even his love. I was mean. I was threatening. I don’t like looking back at myself on those days…”

    Wow. Im stunned. Your blaming him for becoming a complainer and a whiner. I can see you still have not matured. Take resonsibilty for your actions.

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