This weekend I had the distinct honor of being the Maid of Honor in one of my very best friend’s wedding. Most people my age have attended many weddings, but I consider myself the exception. I have few close friends and at my age a very limited amount of them are married. Still, the weddings I have attended have been family (my uncle and his wife and my mother’s wedding to my step father). I did become emotional at those weddings, but since I’ve become an adult I’ve not watched a close friend walk down the aisle and meet her life partner. I did just that on Saturday.
I was shocked at how much it affected me personally. Seeing my friend so absolutely happy floored me. I was a puddle of mush and cried in a very unbecoming way, just out of her happiness. As I stood there watching her exchange vows with her intended, I listened to the sound of both their emotion-filled voices as they made the biggest commitment of their lives. Selfishly, my thoughts wandered around my mind. Will this ever happen for me?
I don’t doubt, at all, that could I meet someone who wants to marry me. I am a funny, cute person when I try. I am sure somewhere, maybe not today, but sometime, I could meet someone who would love me. And making the decision to get married is fairly easy if you don’t think about it very long. But do I have, deep down inside of me, what it takes to be married? To love someone so unconditionally, to let myself open up and trust just one person with the rest of my life? It seems so scary, and it almost seems impossible, honestly. For some reason, watching them get married made me suddenly realize what an absolute miracle it is that people come together and trust one another and make these lives together.
I wonder what it feels like to let your head be overruled by your heart? Is it something I can do? I worry that if I tried for eight years with The Boyfriend to make that leap, and it never happened, if it’s a possibility for me. It scares me, enough that I considered tearing down this blog, two posts in, and saying “not me, and not yet”.
I’m scared, ya’ll. I’m worried I won’t be able to do it if the time ever comes. I’m worried that no matter how many people I meet I won’t be able to let my mind go and let my heart take over. I’m worried that I am just not capable of loving someone the way you should love them in a marriage. I wonder if I can be faithful, if I can stop searching for the next-best-thing. I worry that it’s not so much other people but *me* with the gigantic problem.
Am I ready to meet someone, even if it’s just a casual date? I don’t know anymore…but I’m sure of this. I am tired of being emotionally broken. I’m tired of not having more fun, of not having someone to share weekends with. I want my life to be fuller, but maybe that’s just for me to do right now, rather than other people… I’m sort of lost, unexpectedly. But I suppose that’s the point of this blog. I need something to lead me through this quest. I’ll keep writing, I suppose. I’m confused about jumping straight in, or tip toeing around the pool for a few more months. I’ll let you know what I decide.
disclaimer: this has nothing to do with my best friend who got married. her wedding was beautiful, the vows were perfect, and I know that she is, in fact, capable of love that is that powerful. It’s all about my shortcomings, here…